Years ago, I thought about it for a long time, wrote a big list, and eventually decided that my parents had used up their chances. My life would be more manageable without them. Not being ones to take a hint, they kept trying to contact me. Eventually the attempts got sparser, and because the memories of living with them were starting to fade, I occasionally questioned whether I was being needlessly cruel to them. A sanity check would remind me that no, they had been way crueler to me, and this was best for all of us. I worry what might happen if I forget entirely one day and have to learn the hard way again.

I have a vengeful motive as well, I deliberately didn't tell them any particular reasons, in the naive hope that they would scrutinize themselves in search of answers, so I just stopped responding one day. This is probably why they keep trying to contact me, or they are just looking for the easy way out, for me to forgive them. The anxiety they instilled in me, they should experience themselves. Maybe then they will develop the basic skill of empathy and a smidge of respect for my autonomy, or even just take a single thing I say seriously.

The last contact attempt was a few months ago, and I had hoped that during lockdown, maybe I would be able to find a sliver of peace and quiet, at least during summer. Maybe the paranoia would be lessened if they didn't feed it. But no, now they came again, and since someone had left the stair door open, they managed to get all the way to my door, shouting. I don't need this, I don't want this, I just want them to leave space for me. If I ever make up with them it will be my initiative, this should be crystal clear to them, so they are wasting their time coming here and tormenting me. I don't even want to leave my windows open at this point. I don't want to go outside because they might be outside the door at exactly the wrong moment.

You failed. You couldn't resist the pressure to have a family at a certain age, so you settled for each other and produced socially inept children. Why should I expect anything from you? You have absolutely no concern for others, no self awareness.

Idk, let me know if this is coherent, delusional, relatable, hateful, funny, whatever. I don't know what to do with this situation.