It would help if you talked to me like I'm dumb.
I might lose a male friend because they could be getting romantically attached to me after I talked to them just like they're a girl.
I grew up around mostly girls and women to the point I don't fully get why I can't tell guy friends I love them. I kept telling one "I love ya dude!" To me, that sounds the same as "I love you as a friend!"
I thought spelling "you" as "ya" and adding the word "dude" firmly said "you're in the friend-zone." But no.
This is easily not the only example of where I fucked up, but I won't know unless it's pointed out to me and explained.
I'm furious that I live in a society :amerikkka: where I can't just tell guy friends that I love them.
being emotionally open and honest with men often results in attachment since it's so rare for them to experience anything of the sort, rarer still for it to occur in a non-romantic context
I used to be this person. Can’t tell my homies I love them without getting roasted, can’t tell girls I love them lest I come off as creepy.
A nice lady says something emotionally honest within 300 miles of me, hang on for dear life.
:yea: i was as well. it's a hard place to break out of.
the way we raise boys is so supremely fucked up. i think of that bell hooks quote pretty much all the time.
this doesn't sound to me like your fault at all. that's a perfectly reasonable way to express platonic affection for a friend.
guys (and maybe women, but I'm familiar with the Male Experience) will do this thing where they fantasize about becoming romantically attached to a friend, but if you've made your feelings and intentions clear as you can, it's on him to just do the adult thing and accept the gift of real friendship, which is never a bad thing to have.
. that’s a perfectly reasonable way to express platonic affection for a friend.
i mean it should be, but you've got all these dudes out there who are completely starved of that kind of positivity and it creates a re-feeding syndrome situation.
Same. People are more willing to either shoot their shot, or figure out whether the attraction is mutual without cutting ties.
Guys talk to eachother like that.
where? lmao i've never seen or experienced that
i talk like that with my best friend (who is male) but its always framed as a joke, like saying "love you babe/honey/etc"
I dunno.
I have women play-hit on me all the time and it is genuinely confusing for me. We all laugh and do the flirt thing and apparently thats normal. I just go with the flow and it sort of gives the same vibe as good natured ribbing.
If that happens with a guy that isnt my bf I'd be grossed out I guess lmao :shrug-outta-hecks: I already have the best man I could ask for
I wouldn't say the word love lightly personally. Its a very strong emotion for me, if I say I love someone its a sort of lifelong commitment for me, whether its platonic or romantic.
I could characterize things in stereotypes but ultimately everyone is a bit different. If they took it wrong maybe drop hints youre interested in someone else.
Is this a variant of the wife guy phenomenon? I've been noticing that I identify your posting mainly through the effusive praise of your bf (who's amazing btw). Halfway through a post I think to myself "kristina posted this"; it's a signature style. It's sweet.
My bf is a god and I'm merely the slovenly goblin riding his coattails
My experience with the women play-hitting on each other thing has been a sort of counter to how shitty we all were to each other because of petty jealousy as teens. Might be I'm just bad at reading when women are actually hitting on me, but when I do it's that's my intent. I've got no problem telling a friend when they look especially cute.
I told him he has cuddly vibes because he's so sweet. (Maybe a mistake.) He soon sent me a link to a love song mentioning cuddling. (Lyrics) It can be about a best friend, but we've never cuddled.
This guy hangs out with me and my bf. When I miss him, I try to mention that me and my bf both miss him. Sometimes I think I've mentioned my bf enough to not say "WE miss you!" And I just say "I miss you!" (Maybe also a mistake.)
sounds like you both could benefit from getting your feelings on this out in the open.
There's a distinction between bro-love and eros-love that guys also discuss/use (I also say love ya guys to my friends which includes guys & gals), however that kind of language is still kind of rare for men and especially from women that it can be misconstrued as affection love instead of buddy love. Also masculine culture in America especially is fucking insane and something I disliked having to deal with growing up in showing any type of affection as a man/in a masculine setting or context (affectionate masculine negging is the usual way this is expressed in an acceptable way i.e. "I love you annoying fuckers" "I hate you but I still put up with ya").
tell guy friends that I love them
I can guarantee you that they have never told their male friends that they love them either unless they were like, in a state of catastrophic intoxication
This is definitely my experience.
"Ok, you love me, well buddy we gotta get you to the hospital."
lmao very relatable but with another friend chiming in: "The hospital? Just leave him there, he'll be fine"
you need to affectionately insult him more if you didn't and you could also try calling him brother or something idk
you need to affectionately insult him more
That's how I knew my partner fancied me though. She was always insulting me.
I assumed if you can say "I love you" to a brother, you can tell any beloved guy friend that. I'll try to use "you're great." This guy has been single for a long time.
Everything you're saying is new to me. I haven't picked up on anyone doing the same things.
Except the girls acting dumber around insecure guys who gatekeep the concept of knowledge. I've done that.
Hmm, I may be coming off as a piece of shit a lot. Barely code switch, speech peppered with lots of "probablies" and "maybes" and fairly precise words
I assumed if you can say “I love you” to a brother
I would wager this is still stronger expression than many brothers would care to use. I think the last time I said that to my brother was five or six years ago and it's possible I'm misremembering that and I actually haven't said it since we were little kids.
There's a pretty simple solution, girls should play more sports and there shouldn't be any sex separation in youth sports and other activities until age 12. I was a competitive athlete through college and beyond, and still play in adult rec leagues when I find the time as I creep up on 50. The women that were my teammates in high school, college, and professionally all had much better friendships with men and women. The sex separation in youth sports is also really dumb. If you look at height and muscle mass there is virtually no separation between the development of boys and girls until secondary sex characteristics start to develop. Allowing kids to play sports and share other activities regardless of their 23rd chromosome allows them to develop bonds with boys and girls and reinforces the idea that friendships can be formed with people of any sex or gender.
and on top of that, all boys and all girls schools should be abolished, that shit makes socially stunted people.
:xi-clap: blushing men
:obama-socialism::solidarity::sicko-fem:
I don't think your language choice was really the problem. Like I'm pretty sure you could have explicitly said "you're a great friend, I love you as a friend, I'm glad we're friends" and the guy likely still would have gotten attached. Just speaking from experience as a guy, it's not like attraction is rational. If you get emotionally intimate with someone who could conceivably develop romantic or sexual interest in you, there's going to be a risk it happens no matter what boundaries you set or how you speak to them. And the only real way to reduce the risk is to reduce the level of intimacy in the relationship.
In other words, its not necessarily that you told him you love him, it's that you loved him to begin with. Imo anyway.
I firmly believe in telling the people you love that you love them, all the time. People don't say it or hear it nearly enough.
I think if it gets to a point where this person makes a pass at you, you should have a candid and honest conversation with him about your feelings, both platonic and romantic (after turning him down).
If you do wind up having a direct conversation about it, you will learn a lot about this person. Some men can handle that disappointment and still be kind and engaging people; some men are insecure, controlled by their egos, and will try to reject you back to protect themselves. (Being upset and needing time and space to process his feelings is one thing. Being toxic and hurtful to you is another.)
Even in the non-toxic scenario, sometimes one person really wants a friendship and the other really wants a relationship, and when it doesn't work out they drift apart. That's life sometimes.
