Inspired by this morbidly fascinating National Review article.

In keeping with the spirit of the original article, I reserve the right to clip single lines or portions of lines out of context and entirely ignore the rest of the song, the rest of the artist's discography, and the artist's stated beliefs. I'll interpret any song you send, with the only stipulation being that it must have lyrics that I can find online.

  • Pezevenk [he/him]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Oh god you're right it gave me critical damage.

    "Heroes", by David Bowie

    A Cold War love song about a man and a woman divided by the Berlin Wall. No moral equivalence here: “I can remember / Standing / By the wall / And the guns / Shot above our heads / And we kissed / As though nothing could fall / And the shame / Was on the other side / Oh we can beat them / For ever and ever.”

    THE LYRIC YOU CITED LITERALLY DOES AN EQUIVALENCE YOU MORON IT DOESN'T SAY WHAT YOU THINK IT SAYS

    “Janie’s Got a Gun,” by Aerosmith.

    How the right to bear arms can protect women from sexual predators: “What did her daddy do? / It’s Janie’s last I.O.U. / She had to take him down easy / And put a bullet in his brain / She said ’cause nobody believes me / The man was such a sleaze / He ain’t never gonna be the same.”

    The irony of an Aerosmith song being about protecting women from sexual predators is obviously lost on him.

    1. “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Iron Maiden.

    A heavy-metal classic inspired by a literary classic. How many other rock songs quote directly from Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

    I... What? How is this conservative song? Because old books = conservative? I don't get what is going on in his headspace.

    1. “Godzilla,” by Blue öyster Cult.

    A 1977 classic about a big green monster — and more: “History shows again and again / How nature points up the folly of men.”

    ???

    1. “Obvious Song,” by Joe Jackson.

    For property rights and economic development, and against liberal hypocrisy: “There was a man in the jungle / Trying to make ends meet / Found himself one day with an axe in his hand / When a voice said ‘Buddy can you spare that tree / We gotta save the world — starting with your land’ / It was a rock ’n’ roll millionaire from the USA / Doing three to the gallon in a big white car / And he sang and he sang ’til he polluted the air / And he blew a lot of smoke from a Cuban cigar.”

    HOW IS THIS A CONSERVATIVE SONG WHAT THE FUCK DID HE EVEN READ THE LYRICS HE CITED OR THE REST OF THE LYRICS???

    There was a kid in the city selling crack to get by Got caught one day with a gun in his hand When a voice said, "Okay, get 'em up in the air You're too young to live like this But you ain't too fast to die." Just another foot-soldier in a stupid little war Another sound-bite on the American scene Caught between the supplier only dreaming of money And the demand of the man with money Who needs a little help to dream

    So we starve all the teachers And recruit more Marines How come we don't even know what that means It's obvious

    YEAH SOUNDS LIKE A VERY CONSERVATIVE SONG TO ME