Yeah, I remember as a ten year old I had suicidal thoughts. I realize now it was a lot of the trauma I had growing up that made me FUCKING psychotic. Like I remember lying in bed thinking that I wanted to sleep forever, or go to heaven (I still believed as a Catholic then before mental illness completely shattered whatever faith I had in any kind of supernatural anything)

Then as a teenager the real suicidal thoughts came in, like at 15 I remember thinking how cool it would be to slit my wrists right in the middle of class or jump off a fucking bridge or jump in front of a bus. I thought shit like this everyday. I remember when I was like 17 I opened the door to my dad's car and threatened to jump out while it was moving. I remember on a particularly bad day standing at a really high balcony at my highschool and looking over the edge and seriously thought about jumping. For me it was always and has always been about jumping. I remember looking over that balcony every passing period and thinking "jump, jump, jump" almost every single day I was there. I told a teacher in summer school I wanted to jump in front of a bus and I got immediately sent to the counselor who was like "yo dude WTF" and I was taken out of the class. Every time I went to bed I prayed that I would just not wake up anymore.

I pretty much thought about killing myself almost every single fucking day of my life from the ages of 15 to like....now. It got a little less bad when I started exercising a lot and doing a lot of self reflection. Therapy actually made me worse for a little while. I went to therapy when I was like 21ish and had a breakdown in front of the therapist when I had a flashback (never had one before) and spent like a year or two really deeply dissociated and having almost like PTSD symptoms. I don't really think about what I would do these days, except for pretty recently where I'm like damn this shit fucking suuuucks.

I think the strangest thing though is looking back and realizing how just deeply not normal all that is. I've casually made jokes about suicide (with me specifically) to people pretty recently and they all become extremely uncomfortable (the older people usually visibly wince) and it has been slowly dawning on me that normal people really DO NOT think about killing themselves, and that lifetime incidence of suicidality for people without a diagnosable mental illness/severe trauma/both is close to nothing. My shit sadly just does not work right :agony-soviet: