I just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, and felt most comfortable sharing it here. I ended up writing a lot, so feel free to keep scrolling if you don't care to read, lol.
spoiler
This is someone I've had feelings for for the past 11 years, and I'm really bummed out about it. I've been in a few long-term relationships spanning years, but I've only really felt this strongly towards her. She has a tendency to pop into my life, then disappear for 1-2 years at a time. In 2021, we talked for two weeks, and then she ghosted me on a night we were supposed to hang out. She wouldn't respond to my texts, but she was posting on instagram photos of her on a date with someone else, including pics of them kissing. She never did respond to me after that missed date.
About a year ago, she texted me out of nowhere and apologized. She said she was really sorry that she hurt me, and she just didn't know what she wanted at the time. The relationship between her and the other person didn't work out. I was a lonely idiot and responded back to her. We ended up talking for a couple weeks, then she started doing some sketchy stuff again. I'm monogamous and demisexual and wanted to avoid getting hurt again, so I told her: "You know how I feel about you. If you're going to act affectionately to me, talk horny about stuff, and get me to open up to you, I want it to be in a monogamous relationship. So if you're going to spontaneously ignore my texts and ditch me on the nights we're supposed to chill, please don't get a hold of me." She said she was sorry and it's fine if we stopped talking.
Well, two months ago she reached out to me, and I responded back to hear what she had to say. We ended up texting each other almost every day for two months. We confided in each other, we video chatted, and we got a little :bonk:. She invited me over two weeks ago, and it was an amazing time. We cuddled, we talked for hours, we got a little physical. And it made me feel really good.
But shortly after, she started taking hours to respond to my messages. She'd "fall asleep" more often at 8 pm, when we'd regularly talk until midnight. Then we were supposed to hang out a few days ago, and she told me last minute that she just wanted to crochet and hang out with her cats instead. She didn't respond to me again for 3 days, but I saw that she posted Stories of her cuddling with another guy at his apartment. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was tagged in the video. I went to his profile and it said he was in a relationship and his cover photo was the two of them holding each other at a disc golf course.
It made me super upset. So I messaged her: "You're doing the same exact shit again, what the fuck? I told you not to contact me anymore when you're just sad and lonely and need something familiar. I'm a fucking human being and every time you do this to me, it fucks me up for awhile. Please don't ever text me again."
To be honest, I got kind of ugly with it, and I'm not sure if this was justified of me. I thought about screenshotting our sexting messages and us talking about how much we enjoyed the physical stuff we did, and sending it to the guy. If I was in a relationship, I'd be pissed and hurt if I found out my partner was doing that. And if they were in an open relationship, she needed to disclose that to me. So I told her exactly that.
She called me on my bluff and said, "If you feel like you need to, go ahead. You don't know what our arrangement is." She said that she didn't respond to me because she was having a rough few days, and said she wouldn't ever bother me again. Then she blocked me on everything.
So I'm just bummed out about it. I hate having someone you really like in your life every day, and then it just ends super badly and abruptly. I really liked having her to talk to, and it truly felt like it was budding into something real. But it was all a lie, and that hurts. I feel like a dumbass for falling for it again, but I'm lonely af and thought she might've really come around. Then to see that we're finally blocked from all communication, it sucks that it's real. I just needed to get this out, and if you guys had any similar stories or things to share, that'd be cool too.
:heart-sickle:
That's exactly the problem, good job figuring it out, madam. :amerikkka-clap:
What did you even see in this person?
This was the ugliest she's ever been towards me. The most mask off. I've literally known her since 2012, and we just connect on a lot of shit, emotionally and physically. And for some reason, I always lower my defenses around her. This one specific person.
I'm gonna have to agree with @ButtBidet on this one. Even when she wasn't mask-off you could've done and probably did better than her.
You're not wrong. I know that I won't treat people like this, and I would expect the same. Most people can get through their interpersonal interactions without treating people this way.
write that down some place where you'll see it regularly. this is what you need to remember the next time she comes knocking a few years from now. if you wouldn't ever treat someone like this, that's a pretty good indicator that she's someone who should stay really far away from your life. she's looking at you as a means to end - it's a kind of objectification that's not particularly gendered.
I'll do that. No matter how bad the loneliness gets to me, I know that there are others out there who won't use people so carelessly without considering that they're actively hurting other them.
Betrayal hurts a lot. If you can't cry because masc, find a huggable pillow and squeeze it until the tension leaves your body. It helps relax your muscles when you hold the tension for a bit and let it go. Hopefully you'll be okay, moving foward! (Just try to stop thinking with your 🍆 ).
I've done a little bit of crying, but not a whole lot happens anymore. The whole time I was talking to her, a little part of me was preparing for this. I even used my newfound coping skills to say, "You don't know why she's taking so long to respond. She has a lot going on and it's the holidays. Don't let your head go places where nothing has happened, yet." And it actually fucking happened again, haha.
I am trying to remember to take deep breaths and relax, but I have built up a lot of tension from the sadness.
Thank you for recommending that stuff, comrade. :meow-hug:
Trust is a two-way street. You can at least say you did your half.
I'm not disagreeing with you. But all our instincts, as well as all the books we read and movies we watch, tell us to be the nicest person possible to our friends despite the other person being a dick. I think that learning to let people go is a skill that people need to learn.