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Its weird because the dysphoria comes in waves and sometimes is completely absent.
That's normal, there's always bad days and good ones. This is very important to keep in mind when you're fighting your way through a really rough patch. Dysphoria also changes as you go through transition. Your mind sets different priorities what to get worked up about, and hanging out in particularly self-loathing spaces can completely wreck you if you stay there too long. You really don't want to end up like ContraPoints.
Also sorry to hear about your fiance. I hope she can adjust to this, but if she's straight, there will obviously be limits to how long she can stick around if you turn out to be trans.
Idk what contrapoints went through?
She had this habit of going on 4chan's /lgbt/ board every time she uploaded a new vid and let's just say there may be a connection to why she still talks so much about passing and dysphoria in spite of her looks and why she makes all these jokes about getting drunk and popping xanax.
And yeah, it's quite the trip, i can imagine how you're feeling rn. Remember you're in a good, supportive palce here and that you can always come to your trans comrades if you have questions.
Just a warning, a common experience is that the further you explore the worse dysphoria gets when you "go back into the closet." Like this isn't me telling you not to do it, quite the opposite actually, just to let you know that things can suddenly start moving quite rapidly on the emotional front of things in a way you might not be prepared for. Like I had been moving incredibly slowly in my transition over like 2 years of therapy, and then suddenly in like 6 months it was a complete mad rush to get it completed, like not moving forward suddenly became agony.
Regarding faceapp(not just towards OP but in general): do not, my friends, become addicted to the filter, for you will come to resent its absence
If you've used them to figure out youre probably trans, thats really good, now don't touch the filters with a 10 foot pole. It will fuck you up.
The good news is that makeup and hair can be very easily messed with, you should try growing out your hair and buying some makeup
Just saying most cis dudes that I offer estrogen to recoil like a cat from a cucumber.
You should set an appointment up if youre cool with the short term side effects, sometimes just trying it is really helpful for exploring things
I wouldn't blame yourself for only just now questioning your identity. It can be really hard to stumble onto those feelings when society is built around conforming to typical gender roles. It's much more obvious looking back than it was in the moment :cat-trans:
For whatever reason at the time, you weren't ready to push that hard yet. Trans people face an insane amount of hatred, demonization, and mischaracterization - even if internally a part of you "knew", there's only so much guilt you can lay on yourself for not throwing yourself to the wolves simply to stand with a group you didn't even feel a belonging/understanding with yet. There's a lot of trade offs either way between repressing through childhood and transitioning as a relatively "safe" adult, or rolling the dice and trying the force your way through childhood in patriarchal white supremacy culture. Trauma comes either way unfortunately, and the important part is both paths united in the end.
Heyyy so I cracked a little over a year ago, and had some bad reactions from my then SO and much of the rest of my family. Just a few words - go easy on yourself, there's no rush to anything; have grace for yourself, this is all incredibly difficult and you'll find many people in your life that won't understand, especially in the early stages (if you end up finding yourself to be trans, not being trans afterall is ok too lol).
Its really hard to narrow down what advice I feel would be best, its only been a year but I've passed some sizeable milestones now that Im proud of in spite of what I had to battle through, and more to come (always), but its all so incredibly worth it.
Please reach out via DM's or below if you want to talk experience or have any questions, or really just anything. All of this stuff is incredibly difficult and jarring when it first hits, but I hope youre finding meaning and enjoyment in it, the vividness of life in that first few months is something I'll remember forever lol
EDIT - Also, I did the same damn thing with Faceapp, whatever you do, don't use it as a profile pic anywhere, or else the first 5 months of transition you'll be even harder on yourself about appearance. But idk, thats a personal lesson I learned the hard way lol
