For whatever reason at the time, you weren't ready to push that hard yet. Trans people face an insane amount of hatred, demonization, and mischaracterization - even if internally a part of you "knew", there's only so much guilt you can lay on yourself for not throwing yourself to the wolves simply to stand with a group you didn't even feel a belonging/understanding with yet. There's a lot of trade offs either way between repressing through childhood and transitioning as a relatively "safe" adult, or rolling the dice and trying the force your way through childhood in patriarchal white supremacy culture. Trauma comes either way unfortunately, and the important part is both paths united in the end.