Title mostly.
I'm doing fine right now, had an argument with my brother but overall I got my path forward ironed out, but I can't shake the feeling that all of what I do is just some pathological need to stumble forward into what I'm supposed to do but rather than actually being a meaningful calling or direction.
Maybe I'm just depressed.
that's how I started out, going to community college because my parents had forced me to. but I didn't have the drive because I don't really have any direction or goals in life, so I dropped out and they kicked me out. that was years ago, these days I have a job where I barely work part time and have flatmates to split the bills with to make this lifestyle work. I don't consider myself an enemy of the world but I definitely feel tired of participating in it when the things I love won't support me in it, I don't want some normal life with a 9-5. I don't plan to ever get married or have a family when I'm older, I'm just kind of riding shit out and hoping for the best.
Yeah, I'm fundamentally unsettled greatly by death though so riding it out feels like crap to me.
Like I have a clock to find meaning and I better hope I do before it runs out.
I see. wishing you luck then, comrade.