I had a dream that I planted the most delicious fruit(some kind of spikey lychee) but it got so big I couldn't reach high enough to harvest it. I felt an immense amount of guilt. The lack of control over my responsibility. Fruitflies galore from unmanaged fruit. Being punished for it somehow because my family punished me over nonsensical things, simply for the joy of of abusing and controlling me. To the point I was trained to automatically control myself without them needing to punish me anymore.

I had to keep the entire house so neat and tidy that it made me want to scream everyday. Or else punishment for not being a good servant. I wasn't allowed hobbies, and if they let me do anything I liked, it was to keep me more on edge because they would go "see you can't handle this. Now we're taking it away forever. You will never be allowed again. Also you're being punished for not keeping a picture perfect job at this thing we gave you the PRIVILEGE of doing!"

I think this is about my need to escape my old programming. I love the idea of planting fruit trees. However I can't get over fear of lack of control over how big and fruitful they may get. I would like to stop feeling guilty. I love plants and homegrown food and I'd like to let go of control over how big plants can get. And let go of the possibility of some excess rotting food. Just let it happen, you know?

  • carpoftruth [any, any]
    ·
    25 days ago

    I grow a lot of stuff and some of the plants here grow more than I and my immediate family can handle. For the most part, this is a a good problem to have. I share with people, make preserves for the off season, and encourage people to come over and help pick for themselves.

    There are some actual downsides. Rotting fruit is gross to step in, so you need to clear pathways at least. Rotting fruit is also often part of the disease pathway for pathogens that go after trees, so again, good to clean up.

    Wildlife will eat a lot of windfall fruit but this isn't always easy to manage. We have lots of deer in the area and deer fucking love apples. However, deer also love everything else, so I have a fence around our garden so that I could also grow other plants without them devouring things. Before putting up the fence, I could rely on them eating windfall apples, but now I need to do more work. I've done my best to encourage biodiversity but this contradiction (deer are good for windfall management but bad for most everything else that is trying to establish) is just the nature of trying to rewild