I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm in my mid/late 20s and don't know how to function in the world. It took me forever to graduate from college with a degree in computer science, not cause I wasn't capable but because I wanted to do comedy. I've gotten interviews with big tech and grad school offers but I'm funny. I've had pro comedians tell me I'm special and can be something. So I took the broke road and actually was starting to join an improv troupe and learning more sets while doing side jobs in entertainment to supplement my income.

But then the pandemic happened and I don't know what to do. I can't work in entertainment atm cause COVID and my mom's at risk. My mother and I are unemployed. I've been cripplingly depressed. I feel like I should go back into comp sci because I'm leaving 100k+ on the table. Money doesn't mean anything to me personally, but I know I have to eat. My mom is older and having troubles finding things. I've done side jobs to supplement our income but I know it's not sustainable.

I want to be happy in life. There was nothing that made me happier than being on stage. Making people smile while saying thoughtful things left me so fulfilled. I've done videos on social media but you need a viewer base. I've considered doing informational comedy videos around politics cause there is no true leftist comedian out there (esp black ones), but I've been so depressed and anxious and I'm so new to leftism, I've been convincing myself out of it. Maybe I should just push that time into the fucking coding interview book I've grown to hate. Maybe my happiness is selfish because I can support my family so much by selling my soul for big tech.

I'm fighting depression, struggles with the pandemic, money, ADHD, myself, I hate everything and feel I'm too old to not know what I'm doing. I don't want to be selfish but I really REALLY feel if I work on things, I can be a comedian. But I also can't create if I hate myself, which I currently do for being my age, being dependent with an amazing degree and not doing as much as I thought I would at this age.

Should I just go back to tech? Is comedy too naive, esp in these times? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? IDK chapos, I'm just big sad atm.

Edit: Awwww geee, I was already crying before I wrote this, now I started crying again from all the kind replies. I appreciate this community so much. Thank you all for your kind words, encouragement and advice. I already wrote some small things in response to the encouragement. I love you all and ANYTHING I create, the first place I'll share it is with my comrades here at Chapo. Thanks for giving this anxious depressed fuck more encouragement to keep fighting on. :rat-salute: :deng-cowboy: :fidel-salute: :chavez-salute: :sankara-salute: :maduro-salute:

  • Sentnear [he/him]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Sounds like you’re a really talented person, please try not to be hard on yourself.

    The way I feel is that nobody at any age is self sufficient and independent. Tbh the narrative that says everyone should aim to be that way is detrimental to us and unachievable. We rely on others and others rely on us, it’s the way we are meant to be.

    I really hope you manage to do comedy like you want, it’s what you deserve. This world can be difficult, but remember that is not your failing

    • boredymcbored [she/her]
      ·
      4 years ago

      This made me cry the most. Thank you comrade. It's hard not be hard on myself but I'll keep trying to love me. It's the only way I can get through this pain I keep causing myself. Thanks for reminding me age is a bullshit thing to focus on too. As long as I'm alive, there's always time. I have to remind myself. ❤️

      • Sentnear [he/him]
        ·
        4 years ago

        No worries comrade, I’m rooting for you ❤️