I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm in my mid/late 20s and don't know how to function in the world. It took me forever to graduate from college with a degree in computer science, not cause I wasn't capable but because I wanted to do comedy. I've gotten interviews with big tech and grad school offers but I'm funny. I've had pro comedians tell me I'm special and can be something. So I took the broke road and actually was starting to join an improv troupe and learning more sets while doing side jobs in entertainment to supplement my income.

But then the pandemic happened and I don't know what to do. I can't work in entertainment atm cause COVID and my mom's at risk. My mother and I are unemployed. I've been cripplingly depressed. I feel like I should go back into comp sci because I'm leaving 100k+ on the table. Money doesn't mean anything to me personally, but I know I have to eat. My mom is older and having troubles finding things. I've done side jobs to supplement our income but I know it's not sustainable.

I want to be happy in life. There was nothing that made me happier than being on stage. Making people smile while saying thoughtful things left me so fulfilled. I've done videos on social media but you need a viewer base. I've considered doing informational comedy videos around politics cause there is no true leftist comedian out there (esp black ones), but I've been so depressed and anxious and I'm so new to leftism, I've been convincing myself out of it. Maybe I should just push that time into the fucking coding interview book I've grown to hate. Maybe my happiness is selfish because I can support my family so much by selling my soul for big tech.

I'm fighting depression, struggles with the pandemic, money, ADHD, myself, I hate everything and feel I'm too old to not know what I'm doing. I don't want to be selfish but I really REALLY feel if I work on things, I can be a comedian. But I also can't create if I hate myself, which I currently do for being my age, being dependent with an amazing degree and not doing as much as I thought I would at this age.

Should I just go back to tech? Is comedy too naive, esp in these times? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? IDK chapos, I'm just big sad atm.

Edit: Awwww geee, I was already crying before I wrote this, now I started crying again from all the kind replies. I appreciate this community so much. Thank you all for your kind words, encouragement and advice. I already wrote some small things in response to the encouragement. I love you all and ANYTHING I create, the first place I'll share it is with my comrades here at Chapo. Thanks for giving this anxious depressed fuck more encouragement to keep fighting on. :rat-salute: :deng-cowboy: :fidel-salute: :chavez-salute: :sankara-salute: :maduro-salute:

  • thomasdankara [he/him]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Hey comrade, Life can be real shit, and picking up some CS work to pay the bills might be a necessity.

    That doesn't, however, mean that you should stop doing comedy. It sounds like it's what you really enjoy, and you should keep doing it - if only to keep yourself sane. Don't stop writing, and keep working on material, especially if you end up in a soul-sucking office.

    Getting a tiktok/yt/twitter is a good idea for self promotion. It'll also give you an outlet for your stuff, and hopefully help you keep yourself sane. Depression isn't the same for everyone, but I know that when I'm working on something I care about it helps to take my mind off of it.

    Now, this wouldn't be a comment from me without the (I'll admit it, boring and tedious) mention of opsec.

    spoiler

    ___When you create accounts to share comedy, do it with a new email address. Do your best to not link your comedy with your other online personas. Your comedy acct will likely have your real name; this can be dangerous, especially when sharing somewhere that chuds are known to look for people. Lock down all accounts created with your real name before you create your comedy accounts, and make sure your password management system is secure.

    No matter what happens, remember that we all care about you here! I know I'd love to see what you come up with, and from reading the comments I know many other chapos feel the same. I wish you the best of luck comrade!