I'm numb to all good emotions. I can't enjoy food anymore: I just get guilt because it's junk or because I wasted my money on it. Every single day is the same. I don't even want to eat because it just fills the days. I don't want to sleep- I'm already always half-drifting through life. Today I stayed up until 6 am in the morning. This kind of state of extended half-life, of meaningless days that feel the same does not mean a break. Things just crater towards me. I wake up and there is work to do. There is suffering to endure. Consequences are always lurking over me waiting to crush me.
I've tried everything! I've done what I'm supposed to do. I talk to a therapist and I take meds. I call my family a minimum of three times a week. I have a stupid little checklist of things to do to make sure I don't slip behind in the minutiae of life. I try to go to my classes. I've pushed through the pain for a year.
It does not matter. I haven't felt better, things haven't gotten easier, I don't have any friends, I feel sometimes like breathing is too much of a task for me. The weight of all this isolation and routine has become a prison for me- a heavy stone on my chest on top of my old depression.
How can anyone live like this? It isn't fair to give the world 100% and get so little back. I guess it's naive to even think about how things should be fair but whats the alternative. I can't accept the idea that all that was good is in the past and all that is coming is more grey misery. I feel like I'm wasting away. I get that everyone has it bad but I can't imagine anyone else feels this way and keeps living I guess. How is it even done.