I'd like to use this space to talk about my relationship because I just nearly ended things and I'm hurting a lot.

We met right before the pandemic, Bernie was in his upswing and I was actually watching political news with earnest, she was a Warren supporter but didn't mind that I liked Bernie, I think she found my attention to the election attractive. Then of course pandemic hits and Bernie lost, and I became more and more open politically, though on our first date I said I was a socialist.

I think quarantine kept us together, having a partner in that time was great. But she is active in advocating local policy to enact positive change, and while I can appreciate that it always felt too little too late, but that's not constructive, is it? She also like skiing, raves and techno, blow, and calls herself a witch. I'm introverted, she's extroverted. We've done those things together but I never really enjoyed them like she does. So that was always a disconnect. But she would listen to my history rants and ask questions, I'd listen about her day at work and advocacy stuff and the struggles that entailed.

I took her states away to my home, she met my family, I met her brother and mother. We said we loved each other- and I believe that I do, but especially lately I've been retreating. A couple months ago we were in bed after sex and she was saying things to the affect of wanting to keep this going, literally doing please don't break up with me, coming from her anxieties built off former relationships, and asked what i thought. I was honest and said I didn't see this lasting forever. That was hard, but she accepted and we moved on, largely unchanged. But having done that, I thought more about us. I did't want to hang out nearly as much as she did, I've been less interested in sex with her- often feeling less than inspired while in the act-, and just not feeling like I wanted things to go the way they are.

So I went over a couple days ago, having had couple drinks to be able to say things, and had a talk about how this wasn't working for me and my heart wasn't in it. She was thrown off completely. Crying, but angry, and her saying "what the fuck" is now playing on repeat in my mind and I'm drinking to drown in out. I came in hot, but we talked about an open relationship because I can't be her one and only like that anymore. I think that's not a bad place for us, I really care deeply for her and as she said it felt like losing a best friend, so I don't want that gone completely. I'm now full of guilt and regret but keep thinking of where I was before the talk and feel like it had to be done eventually, though I could have handled it so much better.

I still feel a lot of pain and will seek out therapy, I need to. I feel like it's often just to feel right in an unright world but I can't do it like I have been anymore. I feel like I broke something incredibly special, and hurt deeply someone very close to me who have me a lot of her energy. But I can't help but feel it needed to happen, those thoughts were pervasive and I felt like I was living a lie, even though she gave so much and I felt loved. Idk how it wasn't enough, but I don't think I will be able to have a real relationship, possibly ever. I think I'm OK with that. We're in our early 30s, who knows what may happen.

If you read this, thanks. Just needed to put it out somewhere. My roommate's friends with her now and I haven't told her because I'm afraid she'll be angry too. Ugh