I say that kind of thing too! Not just the die alone thing, but really dark self-harmful stuff. Violent stuff. And it's not even like I really want to do that kind of thing in that moment, it's just a set of words that I think part of my brain responds to the painful, embarassing thoughts to "shock" me out of it. And yeah, there is a painful sensation that goes along with them. I call them "wince words." Years ago I was searching around to see if other people did it too, and... they do. Here is an ancient conversation about it that I came across and found comfort in, knowing I wasn't the only one. I'm likewise sorry you're tormented by this kind of thing.
Oh yes, sometimes I even have intrusive thoughts with vivid images of mutilating myself, even though I'm not having any sort of self-harm ideation these days. I came to a similar conclusion - that my brain was trying to distract me from the painful shame sensation with the strongest thing it could think up. Thank you for the thread, I was really surprised to see how many people responded and could relate to this! It's definitely the sort of thing that can make you feel crazy.
I say that kind of thing too! Not just the die alone thing, but really dark self-harmful stuff. Violent stuff. And it's not even like I really want to do that kind of thing in that moment, it's just a set of words that I think part of my brain responds to the painful, embarassing thoughts to "shock" me out of it. And yeah, there is a painful sensation that goes along with them. I call them "wince words." Years ago I was searching around to see if other people did it too, and... they do. Here is an ancient conversation about it that I came across and found comfort in, knowing I wasn't the only one. I'm likewise sorry you're tormented by this kind of thing.
Oh yes, sometimes I even have intrusive thoughts with vivid images of mutilating myself, even though I'm not having any sort of self-harm ideation these days. I came to a similar conclusion - that my brain was trying to distract me from the painful shame sensation with the strongest thing it could think up. Thank you for the thread, I was really surprised to see how many people responded and could relate to this! It's definitely the sort of thing that can make you feel crazy.