I feel like some of my life-long friends have been slowly falling down into a racist suburban american paranoia ideology.
For example: I've lived in a lot of neighborhoods as an adult that are less than 99% white. Therefore where I live is "ghetto". That my friend will somehow be a victim of random acts of crime for visiting. That they can't visit after dark etc.
Or sometimes they'll just pull statements out of the air, usually with little to no prompt. Like In a group chat, someone brought up the month of June, another friend said "is that Juneteenth? Do we need to pretend to care when that is?" Very thinly-veiled "humor" and that's being extremely generous by even pretending to call it that.
The instinctive answer is "find new friends lol" but I don't like that answer.
First, because I genuinely believe my friends are good people, and want to do good, despite their ignorance. Second, the basis of most racism is that I believe they fear what they don't understand. And sure, there sure be some onus on them to attempt to learn. But how?
Third, I hope that by challenging their views in a constructive way, perhaps they might reconsider even for a moment how they view the world. And forth, if I found new friends, this people would continue to exist, now unchallenged by opposing thought which will only further incubate themselves in their sinkhole ideology.
So what are some ways to approach this? If I say the obvious "like this is racist as fuck", it's only going to make them defensive. And it's kind of dumb I even have to be gently cognizant because white people see racism as an immortal, intentional act. So the conversation goes nowhere if you call a white person racist since they'll automatically get defensive.
I'm kind of rambling at this point. Would like to hear ways everyone here tries to save friends you see sinking down the suburban pipeline when it comes to micro (and semi-macro) aggressions.
Force contradictions. This is why the "I don't get it, could you explain the joke" is such a silver bullet against racist humor. By making them think about it, you're forcing them to face the contradiction head-on.
The best part is that it's not only effective, but completely nonconfrontational. Even if they come to the conclusion "Yeah, I am racist." it won't resolve the contradiction because there's the question of "ok so what now...?"
Not sure if this is good practice, but "Hey how would you like it if black people did that to white people?" might be good if you're trying the play dumb route. Or "We all hate wokeness, I can't stand any more wokeness even if it's in white people's favor!" They may cackle with glee on being called a big scary bad guy, but they're sure to be at least a little irritated about being told they remind you of the overly moralistic goody two-shoes.
This is the sort of thing that should work but won't. It's the same language used by primary school teachers and basically a thought terminator at this point. Omega_Haxors lines work provided that the person just hasn't examined the jokes they/ve picked up from others and aren't actively racist.
Unfortunately a lot of the best strategies don’t work remotely - body language and tone goes a long way to critique bad behavior compassionately. If you’re with them in person, you can orient a response that says “I know you meant that as a joke but don’t say that” much more successfully than when limited to text.
I think the other thing you can do is talk about your own experiences and model a better way of thinking. Throw in casually spending time in your neighborhood and, if you do, volunteering with social justice efforts. Talk about how upset you were about something another person said and how that’s not ok. Talk about something you saw that was really important for racial and social justice efforts and why it makes you feel optimistic.
I guess it’s not just fear of the unknown, it’s the lack of an attractive template to make it seem like a realistic thing to follow.
E: another thing to realize is getting a defensive response isn’t always a bad thing. Talking with my parents about trans stuff always went down the child molester avenue and I would push back calmly but assertively. They would act like I was shaming them at the time but the next conversation would be easier and they would move towards my pov. We’re still not all the way there yet but they don’t make pronoun jokes anymore, hopefully(?) with others as well as with me.
Maybe share subtly anti-racist memes or serve up some friendly roasts when they say racist shit like that? This way they can't flip the table on you with "it was just a joke" because you're responding to their "joke" with jokes of your own.
When my buddy was doing transphobic stuff I asked them if they'd be comfortable showing it to a trans person. They stopped afterwards.
Probably best not to directly respond to their racism. This is when they'll have their hackles up and feel like they have to defend themselves, especially if there are others watching (like in a group chat) and their reputation is at stake. Also when you'll get the typical "lighten up," "it's just a joke," "have a sense of humor" reponses. So as shitty as it sounds, unless they are or are about to harm someone, or they're really going overboard, just let it slide.
It's best to change their behavior outside of these situations, and preferably when they're alone. They might not have much investment in these beliefs, but because others react positively they continue this shitty behavior. When they're in a situation out of their comfort zone that can allow them to reflect on their behavior, and not being asked to defend themselves, you'll have much more progress. In this situation you'll also be able to tell if they are really invested in their racism, and sincerely hold racist beliefs, or if it's really just not serious, they're not invested, and it's really just because they don't know how else to act, people react positively, they want to fit in, etc. etc.
An anecdote: All the boys when I was in middle school were really into the whole South Park-brained "wanna hear a joke? Women's rights!" type jokes about women and feminism, and my neighbor was definitely one of these guys. So we were sort of part of the same friend group, except he always fit in really well and I felt like I didn't fit in, and a lot of it was these jokes - I didn't watch South Park, I didn't really think these jokes were funny, I didn't get them, but I wanted to fit in really badly and I thought maybe I didn't get these jokes because I didn't understand what feminism was. So one day I'm walking home with my neighbor and I straight up ask him, hey, what actually is feminism because as I understand it's just equal rights for women, which like, seems like a good thing? But then why do most people seem to not like it if its a good thing? And this guy was just like, yeah uh I have no idea what feminism is, I think you're right though like that's all I know about it too. Pretty much "idk why people don't like it."
I wasn't trying to change this guy's mind or anything, but if I was that would've been the situation to do it. If I had confronted their sexist jokes head on it would've been a dogpile of people clowning me, but talking with this guy alone he clearly didn't understand what he was saying, knew about as much as I did, and was just saying these things to fit in and make people laugh. Its better to talk to people outside of the groupthink, where they're more likely to talk sincerely and not put up a facade
I have had some pretty good results by simply pulling a mister rogers. I look like a big white shitkicker though, so your mileage might vary. So when I tell my homies that they should be polite in a gentle way they seem to respond well. I am not scolding them. I am adminishing their behavior as a violation of hospitality. They can understand that better than human decentcy it seems and I have decided not to investigate further as the behavior stop.
Your predicament with your friends seems more like passive-aggressive white supremacy/racism than subtle microaggressions. If you want to save their souls and preserve those friendships, you should at least build contingencies and network with other people so that they are not central to your social life - if they were in the first place - when their bigotry becomes intolerable or exhausting it makes phasing out much easier.
I guess you could say to those insensitive jokes and remarks "that's pretty cringe" or something along those lines.
If you're in your early 20s/late teens, then they might grow out of it as they become more experienced in the world, but I'd reconsider phasing those kind of toxic relationships out of your life in the future; you don't need a big intervention or confrontation. Just make sure to care for your own mental wellbeing first.
Not sure if this is particularly relevant to the discussion at large but I saw you mention you were a former tradcath.
If you don't mind me asking, what's your relationship with religion these days? I think the church is an underrated way to get people on board with leftist ideas in ernest because it is one of the few communal practices remaining in culture, and its the reason so many people are motivated to give to charity.
My first instinct is to jokingly bully them, but they’d almost certainly jokingly bully you back and their micro aggressions would just become blatant racism. Last Man Standing style.
Calling them out in the group chat itself is a bad idea because white fragility is so tied up in protecting reputation. So maybe take a guess at who’s the most likely listen to talk with them one on one? Doesn’t have to be explicit “can you help me get them to stop saying this shit?” It should come off as you just venting, which will imply to them that they’re less racist than the others in the friend group. Ideally this should be true. See if they pop in next time someone says some sketchy shit. Even them DMing you like “was that fucked up?” is a good start.
There’s a decent chance if this goes “well”, you’ll get a few people talked to behind the scenes and some of them will be receptive while others will double down and resent you. The latter people you never had a chance with anyway. You should be able to tell the difference between the two based on behavior changes. That might even open things up to more directly standing up for yourself once you know you’ve got people in your corner.
My only suggestion is to invite your friends to meet people of color and discover for themselves that their stereotypes aren't true.
If you do this at least warn the person you’re bringing them to meet… most of us would rather just not interact with racists, not being setup unknowingly to be some racist’s learning opportunity.
That really doesn't work on your average American liberal's brand of racism. They rarely meet a black person and think "wow, why isnt this guy currently beating the crap out of me or robbing me or something" they just think "wow, this is one civilized black guy!" No matter how many "exceptions" they meet, they always believe in the rule unless that is specifically challenged.
The instinctive answer is “find new friends lol” but I don’t like that answer.
You shouldn't, that answer is a :lib: approach.
Are you white? I ask because my advice is entirely predicated on the fact that my experience is being white and trying to get my friends to stop being casually sexist.
The fuck you live that's there areas that are still 99% white? That's got to be like the pacific northwest or something. Dudes are going to have a hard time going anywhere if that's the case.
