July 1st was the last day I saw them.
I had invited them out to this thing called Radical Pride; I’d invited them to the one the year before and they had a blast.
They boop’d me with a popsicle before we left their place. As in, they had grabbed me a popsicle, and as I was getting in their car they kinda touched my side with it and went “Boop.”
I can’t fucking deal with the thought that they’re gone forever. It wouldn’t be as bad if someone would just tell me something besides “Don’t worry it gets better.”
Sometimes I get angry at them—at how they seem to just not fucking care, which isn’t really like them. I think of ruining their fucking life or punching them in the face and they don’t deserve that. Sometimes I want to say fucking mean shit to them—I’m afraid to share some of the things I think of saying—out of this desperate want to make them feel just a fraction of the pain I feel. When they told my friend I need to “move on” a few weeks ago I kept saying (not to them, thank fuck) “I fucking hate you,” “I hate you so fucking much.”
I don’t even want friends anymore. I’ve been hurt so much.
I miss them so much.
I wish I could show you a photo of them, or at least tell you their name—it's a really cool name, like I stop and think sometimes “Wow, their name is—“
Maybe I'm out of line here but I've seen a lot of your posts and I feel compelled to say something. Have you considered that this person may not want anything to do with you anymore because of this obsessiveness over them? I've seen you post multiple times about having violent/hostile thoughts towards them. You seem to be constantly trying to get back with them despite their clear signals that they don't want that. It seems that you're not respecting their boundaries, based on your posts here. I, and I think most people, would feel very uncomfortable with someone holding this level of fixation on me, especially if I had tried to break contact.
Yeah, I know. I’m extremely embarrassed by the way I’ve acted. I fail to even explain what the fuck got into me. I know that if there’s any hope I might see them again, I basically have to forget about them. And it’s probably never going to happen. It sucks.
It’s at least partially because of these fucking awful people I have to be around. If it weren’t for them, I would have been happy just seeing them once in a while, like when we first started hanging out.
Or idk.
Stop. Breath.
Then shore up yourself and take control.
Why were they so cool? Take that. Put it in you. Make it part of you. Learn from them.
You’ll never have them, understand that. Then be what you wanted them to be.
Realize that you attract what you portray, and change yourself to be who you want to be.