Jesus: "You did WHAT in my name?!? Why would you torture gay ppl, wtf is wrong with you?!?! Why do you treat poor people so terrible, did you read my book at all?!"
"Oh my dad! Look at how much you've polluted Fathers planet, he is going to be so pissed. What do you mean prosperity gospel? That's not what that means!!! Me-Christ, you people are the devil!"
Even funnier, there’s absolutely. Nothing in the Bible about the rapture. It would mean they lathed their fan fiction into reality just for it to fuck them over
It's not true that there's absolutely nothing in the Bible about the rapture. "One day there will be trumpets, Jesus will return, God will judge the living and the dead, the dead (first) and living will rise in the air, some will be taken (followers of Christ) and others left," this is all in the Bible in one form or another. There are infinite interpretations between Christians/groups just like nearly every other issue, and several things have been inferred/added or taken out to fit the exact common rapture narrative, but that doesn't mean there's nothing about it.
Ex.:
Matthew 24 is Jesus telling his disciples what will happen when he returns in a story inspiring the modern rapture doctrine
1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 (KJV): "For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."
And none of that has anything to do with the fundie interpretation of “rapture”. What’s next? The eye of the needle being a gate?
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That gate never existed, or at least no evidence for it's existance exists. The myth dates back a couple centuries[1], but I think it's widely established that it is just a myth.
[1]https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/new-testament-studies/article/origin-of-the-needles-eye-gate-myth-theophylact-or-anselm/51F6B1FD504C36C42D6201F6D87F83C3
And here I was thinking that was pure evangelical cope. That’s actually historically attested to?
It's evangelical cope by evangelicals who don't even understand the supposed metaphor they made up. Even in the gate situation, a rich person would have to give away all their material possessions before becoming Christian or dying to enter heaven.
When a tele-evangelist (Kenneth Copeland I think) was confronted about this, he said "well also through God all things are possible 😉".
These preachers know what they are doing, they are just evil.
You don't know what "nothing" or ”none” mean.