Basically.. Im a cis lesbian, but gender identity has been on my mind 24/7 lately. I just don’t know what to make of this experience, in which I generally like being a woman, yet have this deep desire to fuck with my gender somehow. I just keep wishing I was trans, and I look at the trans people in my life and I’m kind of envious of their gender journeys, their euphoric moments, their relationship to it all. And I don’t know if this is just admiration gone too far, or god forbid some kind of fetishization(?!) of their gender experiences or what, and I’m worried that me feeling like this is inappropriate or disrespectful of the obviously huge social hurdles and violence they face. Like, I’m comfy here, I’ve got this privilege, am I just trying to twist things up and squeeze myself into an identity that probably doesn’t belong to me?

And I can’t see how it would belong to me, since I can’t find anything about my experience that is GNC at all. I dress in a casual feminine way. I’m comfortable with my body. I like my hair longer. Im good with she/her pronouns, and when I imagine someone referring to me with they/them or she/they, it doesn’t really do anything for me. Like it doesn’t particularly resonate, nor do other pronouns. When I’ve tried more androgynous/masc looks in the past it hasn’t felt like me. So I look at all this, and I’m like, well what is GNC about this picture? Where, exactly, do I expect to change anything about my gender? And so I conclude i must be cis!

But the thing I keep coming back to is, “well, if I’m so cis, so gender conforming, why does this feel so heavy on me? What cis person is running such circles in their head about this?” … ugh.

Can anyone relate? Am I being weird? Reading recommendations? (I’m probably going to read some Leslie Feinberg which has been on my list forever..)

Ty for reading this! I’m so confused.

TLDR: Comfy being cis woman yet deeply uncomfy = ??? Is that just life? Am I still cis if I’m so obsessed with this?