Basically.. Im a cis lesbian, but gender identity has been on my mind 24/7 lately. I just don’t know what to make of this experience, in which I generally like being a woman, yet have this deep desire to fuck with my gender somehow. I just keep wishing I was trans, and I look at the trans people in my life and I’m kind of envious of their gender journeys, their euphoric moments, their relationship to it all. And I don’t know if this is just admiration gone too far, or god forbid some kind of fetishization(?!) of their gender experiences or what, and I’m worried that me feeling like this is inappropriate or disrespectful of the obviously huge social hurdles and violence they face. Like, I’m comfy here, I’ve got this privilege, am I just trying to twist things up and squeeze myself into an identity that probably doesn’t belong to me?
And I can’t see how it would belong to me, since I can’t find anything about my experience that is GNC at all. I dress in a casual feminine way. I’m comfortable with my body. I like my hair longer. Im good with she/her pronouns, and when I imagine someone referring to me with they/them or she/they, it doesn’t really do anything for me. Like it doesn’t particularly resonate, nor do other pronouns. When I’ve tried more androgynous/masc looks in the past it hasn’t felt like me. So I look at all this, and I’m like, well what is GNC about this picture? Where, exactly, do I expect to change anything about my gender? And so I conclude i must be cis!
But the thing I keep coming back to is, “well, if I’m so cis, so gender conforming, why does this feel so heavy on me? What cis person is running such circles in their head about this?” … ugh.
Can anyone relate? Am I being weird? Reading recommendations? (I’m probably going to read some Leslie Feinberg which has been on my list forever..)
Ty for reading this! I’m so confused.
TLDR: Comfy being cis woman yet deeply uncomfy = ??? Is that just life? Am I still cis if I’m so obsessed with this?
The biggest thing about being trans isn't really about the gender switch, it's about living authentically as you are. Like for me that means being the woman that I always was but was
This makes a lot of sense and is something I think I've been getting hung up on. I do think i have some sort of mental block when it comes to nonbinary identity, especially in regards to afab folks who continue to present traditionally feminine. Terfy brainworms somewhere in the back of my mind go "ok, so this is woman-lite...?" And i've felt bad about thinking that, but haven't ever really taken the time to parse it out or truly challenge that internal voice, since my outward actions have always been in line with my values (ie- I don't misgender my they/them friends, respect their identities etc.). But it's kind of fucked up and invalidating of me to have those thoughts, and while it shouldn't have taken me having an afab nonbinary crisis myself to address them, I'm glad I finally am. Thanks for your comment.
I think gender is one of this things that is culturally path determined, and that we are in the place we are not because we have or are reaching some ontologically true concept of gender. Instead we are fighting the battles we are in order to create a new future that is also incorrect, but less incorrect than the past. The point I am trying to make is that this is kind of the place non binary people are in right now. Something like a comfortably binary person is comprehensible and metabolizable to our traditional, and wrong, understanding of gender. Unfortunately I think that even the majority of cis people don't fall into the strict binary, let alone even trans people. But this fact can't be accepted and leaves people feeling lost and invalid. All I can say is maybe join a support group and discuss this in person with other questioning people. I know in my area in the mid Atlantic there are a ton of groups scattered about if you go looking. Even if there isn't a local group for you, many have zoom meeting that you might be able to participate in. While a component of gender in intrinsic, a bigger part if it is social, and there is no substitute fir exploration with others.