Cause I don't think that there is anywhere in the world where I belong, or where anybody would actually like me no matter what I do, or how much I try to do right by other people.
I don't wanna go outside, or do anything anymore.
Cause I don't think that there is anywhere in the world where I belong, or where anybody would actually like me no matter what I do, or how much I try to do right by other people.
I don't wanna go outside, or do anything anymore.
getting ghosted really does suck. im not super rejection sensitive and the first couple of times it happened on those apps i felt like shit for weeks. it does seem to get better with more rejections, though. also, accepting that I am not a mind reader and that they are not necessarily rejecting my entire person but something that I can't really pinpoint or that they just had something or someone else going on has been somewhat helpful. anyway, I guess one more adaptive way of coping ( that sweet sweet copium lol ) with it is treating it like a series of experiments that i'm conducting to figure out what works best in certain situations which depersonalizes it a bit and makes it less painful and more like a game, which is what a lot of the early stages of dating are anyway, at least until you get to the more real connection stage, which frankly im still struggling to get to. getting laid != intimacy either, at least based on a lot of my experiences, necessarily but its still nice for its own sake lol
I'm well aware that just getting laid won't help fix my loneliness on deeper levels, and don't feel confident enough in my looks or charm to get hookups anyway. If anything I think meaningless sex would make me feel worse in the long run; they like my body or using me for sex, but not me. That would still hurt.
I've made a lot of progress just doing research and turning shit over in my head in the past few months. I'm taking a vacation at the end of the month, a cabin up in the mountains for a little under a week, then the remainder of two weeks at home. Want to focus on my writing and my art, actually flesh out the world I've been building in my head for a while now, and give my characters the attention they really deserve. I'm starting to let myself feel joy in writing again, and time and again I'm finding people are impressed just by the fact that I write, let alone that I'm pretty good at it. Hell, I've got to have hammered out more than a hundred pages of scattered notes and unfinished content since the start of the year. That's something.
re the sex thing that was me trying to explore how i feel as ive definitely have had a hard time confusing sex with intimacy in the past but yeah lots of people are ahead of me in that regard lol
re writing, honestly dude that sounds fucking awesome. there are people that like people that write lol. i guess you could bring up your writing in conversations and stuff and get into circles of people that do that and share your stuff with them and get into some kind of writing-related friend group or something. dunno, my last attempt at writing didn't last very long lol
I know intimacy is what I really want and sex is something that can follow naturally from that. I'm embarrassed about how little I've gotten and how long it's been but I need to get over that insecurity or it will ooze out of every pore. Going to the gym is helping with my pain and anxiety, and is getting me back on the weight loss train too. I'm sure I'll have an easier time getting dates then.
In the meantime I think I need to focus on building good habits, and stop cringing about how my creative work is not Good Enough so I can actually work on it long enough to refine it. And goddamn do I need this vacation that's coming up.
On this matter...
I really just want to be able to participate.
I hate the idea of not being able to do something (particularly something of social consequence; which this is whether we like to acknowledge it or not), that near everybody else gets to do, just cause of how I was born.
And not even because of some kind of physical impairment (i.e. I couldn't even if there was no social barrier), but only cause (at least by experience) nobody else would ever say "Yes".
i get what you mean to a certain extent. i sometimes feel excluded from sex too, sometimes for years on end, though most recently most of that was due to my own desire to be excluded from certain types of social interractions and situations and keeping to myself and not putting myself out there in enough quantity to get that.
that said though, if you are asking for it genuinely and in a socially appropriate manner (when you got reasonable expectations they want it too, after some amount of conversations where they basically let you know they want you etc) eventually you'll find someone who wants to do it with you. i feel like its a numbers game and also can be highly stressful process but yeah i guess mostly id encourage you to never give up regardless.