Please don't be a dick, I'm genuinely feeling pretty down.
For context, I'm a massive nerd about like electronics and technology, and some other things (less enthusiastic than I used to be because of burnout and capitalism and surveillance and such, but still), and I'm reasonably well off, as long as I can hold onto this job anyhow, but not 6 figures or anything (USD).
So I see videos like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J38kDEsVZ3A
and I just am so sad. It is so up my alley, it looks so fun, but I just don't feel like I can justify devoting that much of my life to hobbies and events like that just to make me happy (and showing up empty handed and burned out to events like that with no projects to show off or even talk about isn't that fun either). I'm probably too busy with work, and even if I wasn't, how can I justify it when my comrades are starving, freezing, homeless, etc. and fascism is looming, I need to be organizing and learning and preparing, not making fun toy projects and getting drunk in the woods with a bunch of cool, queer, but ultimately pretty white upper class leaning people....
I know communism isn't when No Fun, but I just don't feel like I can square the circle of living life to the fullest, doing the things I know I must, politically and morally, and working for capitalists to survive. Instead I sorta half ass all three and am happy with none. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water and getting more and more cynical...
Honestly the things I've been involved in locally are almost exclusively poorly run mutual aid efforts (not a dig on them, I haven't made it much better, really, but its a lot of 300 person signal chats where you struggle to get 4 volunteers to actually do something type shit).
Ultimately the problem is I'm not really even maintaining them as is, without a ton of hard commitments to organize, so "just do it all" isn't really feeling super achievable.
Well I don't think, "join an org while still having hobbies" is quite the same advice as, "do it all", but if you are at such low capacity that you can't imagine doing both, then organizing is clearly off of the table, mentally. I would definitely focus on yourself and how to increase your capacity in general and then dip your toes again to see how your capacity has changed, if any.
Basically, you want to do two things that are usually fairly achievable. That's not a judgment on you, more like something that could be a wake-up call that something is challenging you more than you'd like it to and be maybe that realization can help you out - and to find ways to eventually do what you would like to do (juggling several interests). I'm just an internet stranger, so take this with a grain of salt, but the place my mind goes first is that you may be experiencing a downturn in mental health and are maybe trying to be lowkey about it. It's okay to be high-key about it, take care of yourself, and maybe see if talking to somebody is an option.
You're not wrong. I think I just don't notice because it's not so much a downturn as just my normal. But it really shouldn't be.
Thanks