Please don't be a dick, I'm genuinely feeling pretty down.
For context, I'm a massive nerd about like electronics and technology, and some other things (less enthusiastic than I used to be because of burnout and capitalism and surveillance and such, but still), and I'm reasonably well off, as long as I can hold onto this job anyhow, but not 6 figures or anything (USD).
So I see videos like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J38kDEsVZ3A
and I just am so sad. It is so up my alley, it looks so fun, but I just don't feel like I can justify devoting that much of my life to hobbies and events like that just to make me happy (and showing up empty handed and burned out to events like that with no projects to show off or even talk about isn't that fun either). I'm probably too busy with work, and even if I wasn't, how can I justify it when my comrades are starving, freezing, homeless, etc. and fascism is looming, I need to be organizing and learning and preparing, not making fun toy projects and getting drunk in the woods with a bunch of cool, queer, but ultimately pretty white upper class leaning people....
I know communism isn't when No Fun, but I just don't feel like I can square the circle of living life to the fullest, doing the things I know I must, politically and morally, and working for capitalists to survive. Instead I sorta half ass all three and am happy with none. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water and getting more and more cynical...
You're probably experiencing burnout.
and I just am so sad. It is so up my alley, it looks so fun, but I just don't feel like I can justify devoting that much of my life to hobbies and events like that just to make me happy
Two things:
- Don't judge your private work by other's public work.
- BAM!! I just justified you devoting that much of your life to hobbies and events like that just to make you happy. I'm sorry, it's already written. Them's the rules. I can't change it now. I guess you will just have to go and have a great time. (seriously tho: that's burnout talking, don't listen)
I need to be organizing and learning and preparing, not making fun toy projects and getting drunk in the woods with a bunch of cool, queer, but ultimately pretty white upper class leaning people....
I don't know a lot about cavorting in the woods (lies), so I called an expert about gaily dancing comrades.
At the dances I was one of the most untiring and gayest. One evening a cousin of Sasha, a young boy, took me aside. With a grave face, as if he were about to announce the death of a dear comrade, he whispered to me that it did not behoove an agitator to dance. Certainly not with such reckless abandon, anyway. It was undignified for one who was on the way to become a force in the anarchist movement. My frivolity would only hurt the Cause. I grew furious at the impudent interference of the boy. I told him to mind his own business. I was tired of having the Cause constantly thrown into my face. I did not believe that a Cause which stood for a beautiful ideal, for anarchism, for release and freedom from convention and prejudice, should demand the denial of life and joy. I insisted that our Cause could not expect me to become a nun and that the movement would not be turned into a cloister. If it meant that, I did not want it. "I want freedom, the right to self-expression, everybody's right to beautiful, radiant things." Anarchism meant that to me, and I would live it in spite of the whole world — prisons, persecution, everything. Yes, even in spite of the condemnation of my own closest comrades I would live my beautiful ideal.
I understand on an intellectual level, that there is no need to abstain from fun, its not a self-deprivation thing so much as that I've tried to do both/do it all and it doesn't work out how I want it to. Going to the hacker con and being like "yeah I've got a boring IT job and no interesting hobby projects to speak of" only attracts people who feel bad for you. I've been to some and had some fun times but idk, I don't want to be Dev (the guy who made the video): a rich petit bourgeois lib-leaning-fed-anarchist, who seemingly has all the time in the world for silly projects and charity. And maybe his politics and class position and such have no bearing on his hobbies and I can just simply not be like that, but the whole space, full of otherwise cool people doing neat things, feels so rich and white and disconnected that I don't identify with it? idk. I'm probably projecting
I've just never (and I mean never, I've been like this since the second grade at least, insufferable), been able to balance competing responsibilities well. Or at least I feel that way. I always felt there were a set of competing things (usually 3) and that I could only really balance 2 of them. What exactly the 3 things were has varied throughout my life but this line of thinking has persisted. I think I'm just autistic tbh. But that doesnt make it any easier to figure out how to change myself
You can probably find your scene, just it'll take some effort. Unless you don't live in a diverse urban city
I know tons of cool people who do tech hobby/projects. Mostly either broke white anarchists or well-off breadtube socialist POCs. None of their vibes feel rich or too white. The latter we mostly hang out at queer dives, punk houses, underground parties, counter culture community spaces, etc.
I actually live in a great city for this sort of thing, I think. I just need to try harder and get over some of my own hangups ig.
the tech things I've been to here have mostly been questionable, either super white collar or gross libertarians, but I know based on the number of queer people at the white collar events I've been to, and the decent sized punk scene and such, that there must be some cool people at the center of the venn diagram
yea they def exist. idt they exist in any event that's going to be corporate sponsored or sell tickets above like 20 bucks
like small community/art centres/studios moreso
and even if I wasn't, how can I justify it when my comrades are starving, freezing, homeless, etc. and fascism is looming, I need to be organizing and learning and preparing,
🎯
It's constantly in my head, too.
Unless your revolutionary commitments are being part of a dedicated cadre, you've gotta have balance in your life to be effective. Enjoy your hobbies and use your improved mental state to make good political decisions and therefore do impactful work.
And don't forget that organizing is a group activity! Sometimes what is most needed is recruitment and political education and 80% of that is just being thoughtful and planning to do both. Many organizations do too little planning and end up missing opportunities. Similarly, many do not teach how to make direct asks or create an internal educational program. Just adding one piece at a time and building up a shareable system (a curriculum, a checklist, a cultural practice) can be done with just a few hours per week for a few month - and even less time if you do this with a likeminded committee.
If you're not in an org, I guess I'd recommend just joining one while still maintaining your hobbies and mental health.
Honestly the things I've been involved in locally are almost exclusively poorly run mutual aid efforts (not a dig on them, I haven't made it much better, really, but its a lot of 300 person signal chats where you struggle to get 4 volunteers to actually do something type shit).
If you're not in an org, I guess I'd recommend just joining one while still maintaining your hobbies and mental health.
Ultimately the problem is I'm not really even maintaining them as is, without a ton of hard commitments to organize, so "just do it all" isn't really feeling super achievable.
Well I don't think, "join an org while still having hobbies" is quite the same advice as, "do it all", but if you are at such low capacity that you can't imagine doing both, then organizing is clearly off of the table, mentally. I would definitely focus on yourself and how to increase your capacity in general and then dip your toes again to see how your capacity has changed, if any.
Basically, you want to do two things that are usually fairly achievable. That's not a judgment on you, more like something that could be a wake-up call that something is challenging you more than you'd like it to and be maybe that realization can help you out - and to find ways to eventually do what you would like to do (juggling several interests). I'm just an internet stranger, so take this with a grain of salt, but the place my mind goes first is that you may be experiencing a downturn in mental health and are maybe trying to be lowkey about it. It's okay to be high-key about it, take care of yourself, and maybe see if talking to somebody is an option.
You're not wrong. I think I just don't notice because it's not so much a downturn as just my normal. But it really shouldn't be.
Thanks
Ahem, 'Learn to hack, learn to quadcopter' can easily be folded into educate, agitate, organize. Just saying. I went to a regional burn (mini burning man without all the rich people, basically a big camping and art event) many years back and had a great time. This looks awesome and you should totally do it and find yourself some hackers to collaborate with. Maybe they'll be leftists already, or maybe you can teach them how their consent has been manufactured. Just watch out for
also, mask.I just... With what time? I already half-ass my job, and my job already makes it really hard to make time for organizing let alone taking care of myself/
I probably just need to get adhd/depression meds tbh but that's been a long time coming and I am super resistant about it. It just all seems impossible, but I guess it shouldn't, there's a lot of hours in the day. Why does it all come back to my own poor mental health and useless socializing ability lol
I can definitely educate tho, on certain topics, and everything else is a WIP
Ah, gotcha, yeah, I feel ya. I guess it depends on how you're half-assing your job. If you're playing angry birds all day, I'd say do cool hacker stuff like watch Conference videos instead. If you're just working in zombie mode that's another story.
Some self-improvement style advice, which you've no obligation to take. But speaking from experience, I would sit down and figure out who it is you want to be. Like what's the Dream version of who you would want to be in the future. And then do two things, find an emotional reason to become that person, someone that person would want to protect kinda thing, And then figure out a bunch of habits that person would have (they workout, they spend 20 minutes a day meditating, they spend 20 minutes a night reading before bed, they volunteer once a week, they do one picoctf a day, etc) Then babystep adding versions of those habits to your life, one new habit after two months of consistency. Think of it like a game and you're building up skill levels. Your future you does 20 minutes of meditation every morning? Start with 5 and then level it up later. That sort of thing. Don't be afraid to make yourself wall charts or whatever technique you want to use to track your progress. Reward yourself when you reach major milestones. This is your only life, taking back how you feel about is revolutionary.
This is your only life, taking back how you feel about is revolutionary.
I need this energy, thank you.
I found a YouTube link in your post. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
yep.. all the time really
i just don't wanna work.. or.. i dont want to spend 8 hours every single day doing meaningless bullshit for a paycheck
i just want to be able to just live
but then I also know that i have it a billion times better than some out there and at least i have food and a place to call home
Yeah, it can hit me off and on pretty bad. But yeah, to quote my partner last week, "If you don't find time to unwind you'll die of an early heart attack." You also don't need to be good, but rather patience. Hell, I'm still pretty dogshit on the banjo after seven years. But I have fun and have played for others.
