I was raised Catholic, not hardcore Catholic or anything, but Catholic.

So like all religions, I was told that my existence/life, just by virtue of existing, ultimately had a higher purpose/meaning.

As I got older, especially high-school and after, I increasingly became agnostic (An agnostic theist to be specific) and eventually stopped identifying as Christian all-together. And now, these last few years, I've been transitioning from that to full-on atheism.

I'm not 100% there though, and I'm not sure I ever will be. Because no matter how hard I try, there's this part of me that simply can't/won't fully accept the possibility that my existence/life really and truly is pointless, even though I know that's the most likely scenario.

It's like being given the softest, warmest blanket you've ever felt in your life, the idea that you're here for a reason and that after it's over you'll get to see and be with all the people you've loved and lost in your life forever...

...and then having it ripped from you and thrown outside into a blizzard, that it was all a lie.

And no matter what I've been told by others to try and replace that blanket, whether it's been stuff like "You give your life meaning." or "Just have fun while you're here.", none of it has actually made me feel better, no matter how hard I try.

It's like some Lovecraft shit: I've seen the horrible truth, but my mind simply cannot fully comprehend/accept it, and thus I'm slowly going mad from the revelation.

If I had been raised atheist from birth, I think I'd be handling all this better. It's the fact that I once believed existence/life had an ultimate meaning, and had that taken away from me, that's creating this conflict.

If I had never been given that blanket and known it's warmth, and was instead just born into the blizzard, I'd be better off right now.

  • gayhobbes [he/him]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Your life is not pointless. Life has no point. That is a different thing to say.

    Love has no point. Beauty has no point. Happiness has no point. Good food, stimulating conversation, delicious wine, electrifying art all have no point. That does not mean that they cannot be enjoyable nor are they unfulfilling.

    The idea here is not that your life has a point or not. The idea is that the concept of a point itself is a fiction that we tell ourselves.

    You may actually be here for a reason. That reason may never be known to you. That reason may be an incomprehensible intricate clockwork that was set in motion billions of years ago. You may be a key cog in that machine.

    Functionally, it makes no difference. The reason you are here is irrelevant. Being here for a reason or not, your life having a point or not, these are incomprehensible questions. It's like asking what blue smells like. It's like asking why is a flower.

    You simply are. What you do with that is your business. And I hope you do something with it that makes you feel happy and warm. But you will be the one making that happiness and that warmth. Not something outside of you.