i don't think it's unreasonable to go through the statements, tbh. it's not something you'd be doing without their permission or knowledge, and - if handled correctly - it could help them understand how quickly these little expenses add up (if that's an issue they have; i know it's something i struggle with heavily)
since rebuilding trust is your main concern, i can see why you'd rather avoid doing so, but it doesn't have to be an inherently negative thing. considering how well you seem to be handling this in general i'd say you definitely have the ability to walk through it gently with them, if you so chose.
at any rate, i hope you're able to help them out of whatever cause them to dig this hole, and i wish you luck in your house-buying endeavors
that's my thinking as well. i also wanna stress (to OP mainly, ofc) that this isn't coming from a place of disdain for the partner or anything; as i said in another comment i am the financially irresponsible partner in my relationship and i find it really helpful to have a frank discussion about money stuff, particularly when i fuck up
Same here. And I find that over time, I’ve relied less and less on guilt to enforce my financial habits and it’s made me a much more reliable spender. At one point I would have said that guilt is a good motivator when you have a baby who will starve if you buy too many lotto tickets, but honestly I’ve come around on even that. Shame and guilt were a big part of the addictive spiral for me in general and I feel like my parents would have been able to take much better care of me if they could have talked openly about their issues with money and addiction
it sounds like you've made a lot of progress on the issue! i'm genuinely happy for you, comrade. :soviet-heart: i hope OP's SO can make a similar improvement. :)
Ah, good. I mean, I get it, breach of trust and really shitty timing; but at least the spendings were harmless, and the final price not too destructive I guess? As others said, they probably were ashamed of it despite being harmless and that's why they hid it from you.
I haven’t yet gone through any statements - I would feel like a creep doing that
This is a good impulse. Whatever problems your partner is having, letting them lean too much on you handling things for them is a fast track to codependency. Sitting down and having them walk you through the statements as a one time exercise could be another thing entirely, potentially very healthy and insightful.
I will say that, having grown up food and housing insecure, it took me like a decade after punching my way into the middle class to stop spending like I was still poor. Money just disappears when you’re that poor and saving feels like all the worst parts of being broke with none of the comforts that come from an occasional windfall.
Saving is rewarding for someone who’s used to the big payoff down the line. But for someone who’s never done that, it feels like self-flagellation, especially when your savings is repeatedly and inevitably going to get drained for some emergency.
I used to buy cars outright for a couple hundred bucks with my tax return. Then I eventually had enough money to lease a decent car. My first big purchase I saved long-term for was a used car I got for a couple thousand bucks, but owning it outright finally made things click a bit. Saving literally never made sense before that and I had no idea why it was so hard when my partner made it seem so easy. But they’d grown up with their parents helping them set spending goals and encouraging them to save. So they had that ingrained in them. Meanwhile, I grew up learning that money saved was money wasted because it was just going to end up going to endless mountain of debt that we had no hope getting out of anyway.
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i don't think it's unreasonable to go through the statements, tbh. it's not something you'd be doing without their permission or knowledge, and - if handled correctly - it could help them understand how quickly these little expenses add up (if that's an issue they have; i know it's something i struggle with heavily)
since rebuilding trust is your main concern, i can see why you'd rather avoid doing so, but it doesn't have to be an inherently negative thing. considering how well you seem to be handling this in general i'd say you definitely have the ability to walk through it gently with them, if you so chose.
at any rate, i hope you're able to help them out of whatever cause them to dig this hole, and i wish you luck in your house-buying endeavors
Yeah, it could very much be a collaborative thing that they work through together and doesn’t become a habit
that's my thinking as well. i also wanna stress (to OP mainly, ofc) that this isn't coming from a place of disdain for the partner or anything; as i said in another comment i am the financially irresponsible partner in my relationship and i find it really helpful to have a frank discussion about money stuff, particularly when i fuck up
communication's the cornerstone and all that
Same here. And I find that over time, I’ve relied less and less on guilt to enforce my financial habits and it’s made me a much more reliable spender. At one point I would have said that guilt is a good motivator when you have a baby who will starve if you buy too many lotto tickets, but honestly I’ve come around on even that. Shame and guilt were a big part of the addictive spiral for me in general and I feel like my parents would have been able to take much better care of me if they could have talked openly about their issues with money and addiction
it sounds like you've made a lot of progress on the issue! i'm genuinely happy for you, comrade. :soviet-heart: i hope OP's SO can make a similar improvement. :)
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Ah, good. I mean, I get it, breach of trust and really shitty timing; but at least the spendings were harmless, and the final price not too destructive I guess? As others said, they probably were ashamed of it despite being harmless and that's why they hid it from you.
This is a good impulse. Whatever problems your partner is having, letting them lean too much on you handling things for them is a fast track to codependency. Sitting down and having them walk you through the statements as a one time exercise could be another thing entirely, potentially very healthy and insightful.
I will say that, having grown up food and housing insecure, it took me like a decade after punching my way into the middle class to stop spending like I was still poor. Money just disappears when you’re that poor and saving feels like all the worst parts of being broke with none of the comforts that come from an occasional windfall.
Saving is rewarding for someone who’s used to the big payoff down the line. But for someone who’s never done that, it feels like self-flagellation, especially when your savings is repeatedly and inevitably going to get drained for some emergency.
I used to buy cars outright for a couple hundred bucks with my tax return. Then I eventually had enough money to lease a decent car. My first big purchase I saved long-term for was a used car I got for a couple thousand bucks, but owning it outright finally made things click a bit. Saving literally never made sense before that and I had no idea why it was so hard when my partner made it seem so easy. But they’d grown up with their parents helping them set spending goals and encouraging them to save. So they had that ingrained in them. Meanwhile, I grew up learning that money saved was money wasted because it was just going to end up going to endless mountain of debt that we had no hope getting out of anyway.
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