Basically.. Im a cis lesbian, but gender identity has been on my mind 24/7 lately. I just don’t know what to make of this experience, in which I generally like being a woman, yet have this deep desire to fuck with my gender somehow. I just keep wishing I was trans, and I look at the trans people in my life and I’m kind of envious of their gender journeys, their euphoric moments, their relationship to it all. And I don’t know if this is just admiration gone too far, or god forbid some kind of fetishization(?!) of their gender experiences or what, and I’m worried that me feeling like this is inappropriate or disrespectful of the obviously huge social hurdles and violence they face. Like, I’m comfy here, I’ve got this privilege, am I just trying to twist things up and squeeze myself into an identity that probably doesn’t belong to me?
And I can’t see how it would belong to me, since I can’t find anything about my experience that is GNC at all. I dress in a casual feminine way. I’m comfortable with my body. I like my hair longer. Im good with she/her pronouns, and when I imagine someone referring to me with they/them or she/they, it doesn’t really do anything for me. Like it doesn’t particularly resonate, nor do other pronouns. When I’ve tried more androgynous/masc looks in the past it hasn’t felt like me. So I look at all this, and I’m like, well what is GNC about this picture? Where, exactly, do I expect to change anything about my gender? And so I conclude i must be cis!
But the thing I keep coming back to is, “well, if I’m so cis, so gender conforming, why does this feel so heavy on me? What cis person is running such circles in their head about this?” … ugh.
Can anyone relate? Am I being weird? Reading recommendations? (I’m probably going to read some Leslie Feinberg which has been on my list forever..)
Ty for reading this! I’m so confused.
TLDR: Comfy being cis woman yet deeply uncomfy = ??? Is that just life? Am I still cis if I’m so obsessed with this?
I think a lot of the stories we tell each other about transition create the expectation that it's some kind of shortcut to self-actualization. And yet, all the accounts from trans people I've heard and read tell me that's not really the case. It kind of sounds like that's the aspect of the Trans Experience that you're interested in, and in that case I think you're right in identifying some profound dissatisfaction within you, but searching for the cause in the wrong place.
That said I will always support breaking gender law, and I'd suggest approaching it in the spirit of fun rather than hoping to discover some deeper self-within-yourself.
Thank you for this- thinking about approaching it in the spirit of fun and exploration definitely helps...