Firstly, let me know if I should move this topic to a more appropriate community.
I started my transition over a half decade ago. This was going to be the year where I was going to finally put myself out there and start dating. I used to be attracted to women, at least I thought I was. Recently I slept with a trans-woman. She was cute and really attractive and the whole experience was...well it was alright. That was it.
Compared that to a cuddle session I had with a guy. I never felt more turned on in my life and we didn't even go anywhere or do anything beyond cuddle for three hours.
I want to try dating men, but I am terrified of them. I was raised to be terrified of them, and it didn't help that my mom exposed me to a bunch of true crime crap and I ate all that stuff up.
All I read about was the horrible things that sick men would do to people. What also didn't help was my fucked up pseudo-catholic upbringing that taught me that men were monsters that couldn't control themselves. I was taught that gay men were dirty, disease ridden, and clownish. Even though I know this isn't true, these awful preconceptions have stuck around. It's hurt my self esteem as well, and I still struggle as identifying as gay because I don't want to be grouped in with -those people-. I realize that this is toxic behavior and it's making me miserable.
Now that we live in these times, I'm extra scared to put myself out there. I'm also about to hit the bad side of my thirties and I can't wait any longer to be myself. What can I do to rid myself of these awful misconceptions about men, where can I meet like-minded men, and what can I do to mitigate risk?
In terms of mitigating risk, I think it’s mostly common sense. If a situation or a guy feels funny to you, get out of it. Don’t go along with things because you feel like you’re obligated to. I went through a period of risky sex with guys on Craigslist (back when that section was still active) and the time I got sexually assaulted was the time when everything about the situation was a red flag. I walked into it to... be brave, I guess? Don’t do that.
I think a lot of people experience that desire to distance themselves from “those people” when they first come out. I did, and I didn’t have an upbringing that was especially strict or homophobic. I think we’re actually close in age, and while my household didn’t particularly hate LGBT people, I know I absorbed plenty of negative ideas from the general culture of the ‘90s. Maybe it’ll take a while to get comfortable with including yourself under the gay umbrella. Don’t beat yourself up about it too hard, but do see if you can find some gay stuff that’s made for and about gay people. History, fiction, movies, whatever. I got a lot out of reading about gay people in history, because it gives a little perspective to the ongoing struggle to define sexuality and sexual minorities. Gay New York by George Chauncey opened my eyes to a lot of things years ago, so that’s one thing I’d suggest if you’re into it.
As for being afraid of men or thinking of them as monsters, I feel like I’m terrible at giving advice on the subject because I’ve never had any issue admiring or loving men. Honestly, the monsters have been few and far between. Most people are low grade annoying in some way, and you aren’t going to want to fuck or cuddle with them. Putting yourself out there online is a good way to test the waters if you’re nervous, because you can control that initial conversation. You might also want to look for non-binary people or other transmasculine people, if not to date then maybe just to talk to and hang out with. If you can find/afford a sympathetic therapist, that might be another good avenue to talk some of this out.
Yeah I am very much a 90's kid and it's shocking to me how homophobic the 90's was looking back on it. I'd say I'm more self-homophobic than trans phobic. Trans? That's fine. Gay? Oh no, that's too far.
I should look for more queer media, I get really sketchy about it for some reason- but that's part of the problem, isn't it?
I think for many people our conception of our identity is so strong that if we have to reassess at some point in our lives, it can involve some growing pains. If I were to have sexual feelings for a woman, I would be pretty upset at this point in my life, and I would have a hard time saying “I guess I’m bi now.” Some people take it in stride more than others, and that’s ok. But it’s also ok to just take time with it. You’re allowed to experiment at any time in your life, basically.
As for queer media, it can be such a mixed bag. A lot of what’s made today is aimed at teens and twentysomethings, it feels like. Good for them, but less interesting to me. I tend to like movies that show men who are affectionate rather than stories that are heavily focused on being gay, but that can be an idiosyncratic thing; what works for me might not hit you in the same way.
In college, I remember being floored when I took an elective on Alfred Hitchcock films and found out that he’d made multiple movies that feature gay men (Rope, North by Northwest, Strangers on a Train, etc). At the time, I’d still internalized the cultural fiction that no one really knew about or acknowledged queer people up until the ‘60s or so. His gay men are villains, of course, but you couldn’t have the movies without them. Anyway, I feel like I’ve gotten a lot out of realizing that there is a queer historical continuity that we are often unaware of, and knowing more about it helps to remind me that we have a place in the world as much as anyone.