I went from being a happy kid that smiled all the time, enjoyed drawing and had several friends to a pathetic adult with no talents, passion, creativity, friends or a job. Just a worthless and unlovable failure. And recently it's gotten so bad that I've started cutting myself and contemplating suicide. I just don't believe I have what it takes to get my life together, sadly.
I'm sorry, and I know how you feel because I have been there. It's the worst feeling in the world. Our capitalist society has this evil way of making us feel worthless. But it's a shitty trick. Don't believe it for a second.You are not a failure and life is not a game you are supposed to win or lose, that's just capitalism talking.
You provide value, whether it's by watering a thirsty plant or by hugging a loved one. You matter. You are enough.
And even if you didn't provide "value" (whatever that even is is subjective anyway). You don't owe the world anything. You exist, you're alive, therefore you deserve to continue existing.
Everything we do leaves a print on this planet whether we want it to or not. You are here. You are meant to be here. Your existence proves you have a right to be here.
Not much I can add outside of solidarity and a meow hug
If I had a flower that was wilting, I wouldn't call it a worthless flower, I'd think "oh shit, what am I not giving this flower?" I'd ask what it is about the environment that is being unsupportive of your hope and joy.
Funny enough, you caught me in the middle of a tiny spiral. Sounds like something we could commiserate about, probably.
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Goddamn, look at it. I hate it so much it's unreal. It's like I've thrown a metric fuck load of money and effort into not feeling so low and I've looked at my situation from 50 different directions and tried 100 different things and it's like would I feel that much more down if I just never questioned anything at all? I doubt it.
Do you still like drawing? That would seem to repudiate having no passion or creativity.
Even if you stopped, if it's enough a part of your identity that it's one of the three things you mention when you talk about the period in your life when you were happier, maybe it (or something like it!) would be a way of finding a positive identity again.
Just an idea. Really, I should follow the same advice . . .
I don't have a magic bullet solution for you and you know that. I hope things start to feel better, but I flatly refuse to promise things will actually get better because I'm in my mid 30s and both the world and my life have, on balance, trended hard into the "perpetually worse" category.
Some smartass once said the only philosophical question is suicide. I think he was being a smartass but there's a point there: Once you accept you want to live you can start looking for meaningful change, or comforting things in the present.
I have no idea what that looks like for you.
Try an example thru myself, skip if you don't wanna hear about my problems and what gives me grounding to hold it together, it's not especially inspiring:
spoiler
I'm mid 30s, trans, except only my boyfriend really knows that because if I started actually transitioning I'm fairly certain I'd die in this sundown town of 500. I was one of those prodigy kids who was supposed to be raised out of poverty into the elite and indoctrinated that way, right up until I tried to kill myself at 16 and got charged with attempted murder of myself and arson. Long story short I make 900 USD a month post-CoVid (2300 back before Walmart laid me off in the brief period between wages doubling overnight and cutting staff in half), I don't have a bathroom because I live in a barn I stuck a sink and electricity in, it was 98 degrees inside today, and I still see Aaron Bushnell die in my head a few times a day, to say nothing of my own trauma.
I'm not trying be a shitty competor here, despite leading with that. This is setting for "There is no hope for a better future, or present, so what do you find to live for" and for me it's my pets. I have my old dog Blue, four cats, and a new puppy cause Blue is getting on and needed a puppy to boost her spirits, mine, and teach the puppy the ropes before she's gone. It's making something worth eating out of 2-4 dollars a day, my favourite (tho it's a stupid amount of work and my rolling pin broke and I need to get a new one) is to make naan or tortillas, and this delightful mush of rice, lentils, peppers and curry-style seasoning. Delicious, gorgeous, and it feels so good to say to myself "If this were served at a restaurant it'd cost 20 dollars a plate and I made two days' calories for a fraction of the price" - I got lucky and met my now boyfriend on a Harvest Moon Let's Player's discord, he's even more ratfucked than I am on money being on disability and all so I don't know if there even is a future where we can move near one another, but god the company has changed the way I feel so much. Just having someone to turn to when you do a cool game thing or sent a picture of dinner or whatever, excellent change.
And that's kinda it - you live for the relationships you have, human or pet, and the actions you find a way to make meaning from and take some pride or joy in. There's no shortcuts worth taking, self delusion into false joy is just liberalism and I don't think msot people that make it to this site can just go to talk therapy and decide to blame themselves for their lives, chose to ignore society and the world at large being a dumpster fire, while believing it is magically fine and the themselves are millionaires in the making. If you live in a city, join any leftist org you can find, clannish internet quibbles aside just good lord it's nice to have people around.
Yeah, I know this feeling all too well. Sometimes I look back and just ask myself, what happened? On a logical level of course I know what happened, capitalism, the death of the community and all that. But on a more spiritual level, what happened?
I've contemplated suicide at many times in my life. It's a hard thing to get through. There's not much I have to say other than I really empathize with you. I don't really have much practical advice since I don't know your situation, but I will say when I get like that, I like to just say "fuck it," and let my life fall apart for a bit, give myself a rest from having to maintain everything. Figure out the most important thing and just focus on that, everything else can be dealt with when you get a little more stability. As long as you're surviving, you know eating and sleeping at least a bit, it's okay to just live like a bum for a while. Focus on not cutting yourself, focus on getting a job, or maybe just sit around and think and try to plan out a way forward from this roadblock you're at. Idk, whatever you think is most important.
That's what I do, not sure if that helps, but I really do empathize with you. Just remember, whatever you do, you haven't failed at life, you can never fail at life.
I found YouTube links in your comment. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2:
I was in a very similar place for most of the past year, and I'm not entirely out of it. Some of those feelings have gone away, but others have not. I didn't get things back together by myself, it was the support of others that allowed me to start healing.
I hope things will get better for you, and this community (including me) is here for anything you need to keep going and start moving towards a better place. If you just want to talk, for someone to listen, people to play games with or whatever helps take your mind off things or helps you work through everything please reach out. That includes material assistance too.
Please reach out to whatever support group you can find. Some places have free counselling available if you don't have health insurance. Depression can happen to anybody and it is not your fault. Life happens, things happen, and its not always stuff you can control.
I've dealt with suicidal thoughts before, if you ever want or need to vent just send a DM.
You have what it takes to “get your life together”. Whatever the fuck that means.
You got a car?
Driving and walking around were what two old friends from hs used to substitute cutting.
If you kill yourself, fascists score another win. Would you allow them that?
i hate this reasoning. i'm also depressed, borderline suicidal and my suffering is a consequence of victories the fash have already won, not some glorious revolutionary struggle. prolonging that suffering isn't a w for me or anyone who isn't a torturer and ending it (preferably by improving my material and social conditions rather than death) would be mercy.
suffering isn't inherently virtuous
I’ve dealt with the same issues and yeah this shit is never helpful
If you are seriously contemplating suicide, get checked in to a hospital. Shitty help is better than no help.
Life is long and there's no such thing as too late. I always remind myself that Julia Child went to Cordon Bleu at 38. But you can't find who you are meant to be if you're dead.
How is your life right now? What’s wrong?
Do you have a job? Who do you live with? Do you live in a city? Near loved ones? Why do things feel so bad?
