Hi all,
I posted a similar thread around the Oct 7 events, but it's come up again. My partner and I were just watching youtube late at night, and we saw a PBS video about "parts of america being most affected by climate change" or what not, and we assumed it would be more of a ranking of best cities in terms of climate change (we enjoy daydreaming about moving to certain cities etc), but this video was a tad more doomer than expected, where they showed how in like 30 years half the country would basically be uninhabitable with a half the year with 100+ degree days, and a lot with 125+ degree days etc.
Now seeing these quite grim projections didn't really phase me, I mean I'm a member here so I'm well aware how in general the world has been about climate change. But they had a bit of a mild panic/shock because they are still liberal enough where they just assume 'the good guys will win'/'we just need the democrats in office/kamala to win and we're fine'....they then had a moment of worrying about personal responsibility like we should all be really careful with recycling, not buy from Amazon etc...which is good to do but I also explained how us as individuals have pretty much no power to do anything as long as companies and governments don't care.
I guess my main issue/anxiety about this kinda stuff is that with them, we've been together 5 years and planning on getting engaged before the end of 2024. But I just get this nagging feeling of 'is it going to be a shock to them if we can't ever buy a house (that's one of their biggest dreams) or similar stuff based on how the world works, since they basically block out all bad/sad news' ...I do have avoidant tendencies in terms of attachment styles so I do kinda look/second guess on big decisions involving relationships, but it still feels a bit like I should almost sit them down and run them through the true possibilities of how shitty things can get in terms of never retiring/owning a house/climate change etc, but then I feel guilty for almost searching for a reason to find something bad about our relationship.
Sorry if it's quasi-venting, just a bit of late night ramblings.
how us as individuals have pretty much no power to do anything as long as companies and governments don't care.
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i know Veganism is good (I personally am quasi-one/struggling to be better), but my only argument to her was that just one individual doing this isn't going to do much worldwide, it's like the argument of voting, one person not voting for Kamala because of genocide isn't handing it to Trump
I really struggle with this one. To have people in my life who lose their shit over the chance that Trump might get elected, yet won't pause over Gaza or transphobia. I really struggle to have any sort of relationship with those people.
to be fair they do listen to my "rants" enough to not be a complete liberal, and they also aren't a LOUD liberal like mutual friends of ours are the "Ruth Bader Ginsberg posters in their apt" kinda liberals, but I think "voting for Trump" is still the one dealbreaker they would have in our relation ship lol
But they had a bit of a mild panic/shock
That's a normal response - it's not like your loved one followed it up with "and the problem is the world has too many people in Africa, India and China"
Anyway relax, we're only a highly pathogenic avian flu away from much cheaper house prices
but it still feels a bit like I should almost sit them down and run them through the true possibilities of how shitty things can get in terms of never retiring/owning a house/climate change etc,
maybe not in these terms (i.e., don't traumatize them with doom, listen to them and pace the conversation appropriately for their capacity to think about the great unraveling), but I think this lies in the direction of a really good idea
I had a serious and rather uncomfortable conversation with my partner about expectations regarding climate change, longer term planning for ourselves and where we physically want to be, implications that all of these factors (and our states of (un)health) have on family planning, that kind of thing where we really started examining our longitudinal wants, needs, and expected constraints. It's been an ongoing conversation since then but I can't imagine planning to be in any kind of long term relationship without having that kind of conversation in the first few years
honestly my biggest concerns (and I'm not trying to turn this into a relationship help post or anything) is that I feel there's like a 10% chance that for a lot of things we should decide on eventually (like whether to have kids, where to buy a house or keep renting etc) are things that they claim they are maybe leaning one way but it's for all intents and purposes a 50/50 at the moment with more research and discussion needed, but they actually do have a much stronger opinion but they just assume there's no way I'll end up having a different one once these decisions are fully examined.
Again, I do recognize that some or maybe all of this concern is my own anxiety in relationships as mentioned in the OP, but with myself being avoidant and them being anxious it kinda sucks there's no one in our relationship who has a 100% accurate view on pretty much everything lol
I should almost sit them down and run them through the true possibilities of how shitty things can get in terms of never retiring/owning a house/climate change etc
If you're planning to get engaged before the end of 2024 then yeah it's a good idea to go over these things regardless. Marriage isn't just about finding someone you can enjoy your life with, it's about finding someone who can be dependable in a crisis because there will be crises. It's also a good idea to make sure you have compatible values which... given the views they expressed in the post you made a year ago, is definitely questionable. Have they grown up since then, or are they still siding with the abusers and oppressors by condemning Palestinian self-defense?
If your partner has lib tendencies another thing to figure out is what those are and how strong those are because it could become a big problem later. The US empire is only going to become more fascist and wreak more violence around the world. I've seen so many people I thought were decent, kind-hearted people reveal themselves to be nice, cold-hearted fascists. Marrying a lib means taking the risk of finding out you married a fascist. I would tread very cautiously.
They are pro Palestine now ( I think it was inevitable since everybody who's even slightly left of center and not a PMC shill is now Pro Palestine), but I know for sure they still have a lib issue with wanting everything to be very black and white (the good guys are good and never do violence etc).
I wish there was a kind of checklist or something similar to float to them to figure out these kind of views, but it doesn't help that they by default are anxious attachers so they would view something like this checklist at my attempt to find something wrong/want to break up when I think we all here at least can understand that there's nothing bad about doing this/I don't somehow not love them by having these questions.
Alright I'm going to give you the straight-shooting real-talk blunt responses and it's up to you to decide how much to soft-peddle these concepts to them, if you even want to go there.
The situation in Palestine is clear-cut, black and white. Palestinians have tried peaceful protests for decades and for that have been called terrorists. In 2018 during the Great March of Return, IOF snipers held competitions to see how many people's kneecaps they could shoot out, crippling people for life. If your partner wants the good side to never do violence, then what they actually want is for the good side to be murdered and the bad side to win. They may think that's not what they want, they may say it's not what they want, but it's the unavoidable outcome of their desires and so they have to own those outcomes. Their position supports the genocide of Palestine, which was active and ongoing before Oct 7 2023. Their conflation of "violence" with "bad" is childish af and they need to grow the fuck up. I would not get engaged to someone like this. I could not respect someone like this enough to stay with them. I could not trust someone like this, and that's because people who choose to side with the oppressor cannot be trusted to side with me against the daily systemic oppression I face.
it doesn't help that they by default are anxious attachers so they would view something like this checklist at my attempt to find something wrong/want to break up when I think we all here at least can understand that there's nothing bad about doing this/I don't somehow not love them by having these questions.
I mean it's ok for them to feel that way but they have to learn to handle it healthily. Using anxiety as a way to wiggle out of having difficult conversations is a shit move and leaves problems unsolved. If you two want to get married you're going to have to find ways to navigate that and have healthier communication and relationship habits. You could lead with "I love you and I want to be with you but I have these concerns and need to talk it through to make sure we are actually going to be able to have a successful marriage." That'll probably still be anxiety-inducing but whatever, you're trying and doing your due diligence with it. If they refuse to talk about stuff like this or just go fawning and agreeing with you, or saying "I don't know" and refusing to voice their true attitudes out of fear of losing you because of their anxious attachment style, that's a warning sign -- imagine being in a relationship for the rest of your life with someone who has no conflict resolution skills and can't / won't talk honestly.
