Kid -> Anti Authoritarian / Kids rights -> Equality or at least stuff that kids need! -> Oh can actually the social democrats do something to better the situation? -> They govern and fuck everyone over -> Teenager who doesn't think politicians will improve things -> Collective self action -> non-pacifist militant Marxist

As preschool kid I was always trying to make sure everyone got their "equal" share. When people had different preferences I wanted them to have what they liked instead. Though I always tried to give out stuff I liked to people, cause that is good and it is tasty and sharing is good. That went so far that when I found 1 Euro on the street I would buy like 3 vanilla pudding custard things so I could share them with my family.

I also always found autonomy important and that people are not mean to other people (though there is a lot to unpack in noticing what is "mean" actually). Then came school and while I succeeded with flying colors the system of hierarchy and control I really disliked - especially when things weren't rational or there were gaps in the explanations. There was also this absurd thing that if you constructed a mind model of something and then thought: Okay how to chose between these two, both possible options? Then I would construct a question which answer: True/False would lead to one of the two models fitting with the stuff (instead of asking: is model 1 I got or model 2 I got right? I would ask the question that would just differentiate between them). This wasn't welcomed in school.

Neither were people who couldn't follow accepted and that was something I disliked a lot. Over time I noticed that it isn't actually your skill or innate things that differed me from others (as I thought there were quite a few which able to develop their faculties) but materialism. I had the advantage of having a semi-stable home, toys "e.g. hammer, light bulbs, batteries/books" and such. However my parents and me lacked people's skills (office space meme) and in school there were a lot of people who succeeded in stuff I wouldn't get, like music/dance/geography/interpretation of stuff.

So over time it became more and more apparent that meritocracy of a school system was a lie, that newspapers didn't talk about the lived reality of kids and people, that kids suffer consequences cause their parents wouldn't have a material good job, that society claims one thing and is another (so anger against idealism of society).

However this made me become more individual anarchist, since I was alienated from society and only over time found connections with others that saw the problems and found them unjust. For example a friend of mine who is "left" and christian and things has good morals doesn't feel the need to do something about it (except write a thesis about how to get more housing units built). He just waits for a revolution where he then can come in and bring in his view points.

After trying a few political groups, campaigns, parties and organizations and see how well my analysis holds I would see which concept would yield most and what would be able to predict things, to alter things and explain things. This is were historical materialism comes in, then in a reduced form dialectics and in a stronger form the core of Marxism.

When I was 8 and watched Star Wards I told my father that wouldn't one want to be in the empire, "since it seems to be powerful in control and not always on the verge of extinction only saved by 'plot logic' (isn't quite the term I used)". That being a rebel sucks and I don't get why blowing up the Death Star would change things, when the Empire existed before the Death Star was constructed in the first place.

When I was around 12-14 I told everyone that left action and activism doesn't do much when the structures aren't changed and that factual power in the society exists and it isn't in ideas and convincing rational speeches, but in resources, might and power itself. You will be able to organize groups only if you have resources and that means in our society having money (and time, skills, political conviction and such). That change is only possible if you have a power base. Which is the reason I did look a bit of high wage jobs. However the liberal "left" and my friend convinced me to do rather things I personally enjoy and like instead of doing what would bring me resources and divorce me from my ideas (I think that argument could've been stronger with divorcing from the material conditions which underlie the struggle by being petit bourgeosie). [Note: My friend was from a more well of family, he and his siblings got around 1500$ per month over 10 years and $25k as starting help, as well as living in family owned condos later on]

Thus I looked into real action of many groups and saw that the convictions of anarchists are nice, but many aren't looking at the factual power base of society (but sometimes go against hierarchy or against unjust morals), quite a few groups also have good practice and are able to organize quick protests, but are bad at campaigning and bringing groups together if it isn't loose. I looked at ecological groups and found the topics important, but the people often well of (except for the poorer ones or antiauthoritarian/anarchist ones) and thought they don't offer a convincing way - how to actually get to where they wanna get (utopist / idealist / believe in the political system). Then Carlo Giuliani was shot by police during G8 and the italian Fascist police tortured many innocent people. This showed the true nature of the G8 states.

I looked into antifascist groups which are essential to secure the rights of people that Nazis want to exterminate (which includes many in their social chauvinism, that is too be found in the "better off" wings of society, too).

I looked into reformism and entrismus and found them lacking, as did most unions (they lacked class consciousness and weren't looking at the global plight of the working class, but about the existing workers and not at the unemployed).

I looked into ML groups and found many being more interest in theory and the right wording instead of action. I wanted to look into trotzkist groups, but the one who organized a meet and greet split into three groups before the meet and greet happened and the one person of them who gave the talk was class reductionist as fuck. Going so far as saying that the feminist fights of the past weren't a step in the right direction and as such are holding nothing of value.

Overall I noticed that real campaign building, organizing working with marginalized, people without papers and being radical and collectively working seemed to be impactful in a way we lower tiers of society can't be. We did create places of power and movements of power instead of begging the "responsible person" to better things for us. That combined with more theory made me become a not totally authoritarian communist with revisionist ML tendencies and anarchist aesthetics.

Factual analysis of history and state action made me measure the capitalist economies with the measures they typically use on others - they don't like that.