I am in one right now, but just numb. I've given up all hope. The realization that I worked hard during my childhood, only to fall behind as I reached my teen years, only to enjoy doing nothing. I could not afford cram school or study material. The only thing that I was able to do to the best of my ability was to learn English really well, and get into computer stuff. I used to cry alone when I got into a shitty college, and wanted to jump off my hostel. Graduated a third-class university, ended up jobless, and living with my parents. But what makes it worse is the future prospect that I'll end up as a wage-slave, earning a shitty paycheck. I'll never be able to escape from a loveless transactional arranged marriage that will be forced on me. Society will judge me, and force me and my self-loathing, internally-misogynistic future-wife to produce slaves for the shitty economic system. Even if wanted to have kids of my own volition, I'll struggle with paying for their stuff. I'll also probably inherit my family's debt, will have no place to call home, and what next? Slave for the rest of my life. End up as a miserable, angry old man. I'm not the free bird I thought I would be, once I reach adult-hood. I'm just a cog in the machinery.

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Agony. Just steady agony like physical pain but something greater than that. It takes up the physical and mental space. So there's no room for regular living or functioning.

I was so broken in my early 20’s. I had been consistently struggling with college, did not understand myself, and just genuinely felt alone. It wasn’t until my 30’s and getting into a psychology class that I started piecing together that I have ADHD (officially diagnosed now), a sleep disorder that makes me tired unexpectedly and intensely, and just generally started to find who I was as a person. It took years of working with a psychiatrist and psychologist (therapist) to start unraveling years of negative self talk and also work through some religious trauma.

The one point I remember is I was thinking just how easy it would be to drive off a bridge…but I liked my car too much to do it. Those were rough times, but I made it through and haven’t been that low since.

My current state.

I'm going through a divorce and living in my mom's guest bedroom.

The only thing keeping me going is the dream of my very own apartment. I've got quite a few shitty months ahead of me before that happens. I'm losing my house, my wife, my stepkid, and my three favorite cats in the world. I hate this, but it has to happen.

I think I got seasonal depression and my heart literally physically hurts anytime I'm particularly sad (no medical emergency). First time in my life I've felt lonely after enjoying solitude forever, tho I suppose I always hung out with friends a lot more often. Not the first time I've been uncertain and scared about the future. Tried to cry and can't either. Somehow much worse than the deaths of my grandparents.

Due to the way I was raised, I have a tendency to view my self worth as solely deriving from my actions.

It has had some benefits, like running into a burning building once I was out to get a family member out.

But it also has some downsides. It's hard for me to view my own happiness or even life as having intrinsic value.

It's especially bad if someone I love could concievably benefit from me not being around anymore.

Years of therapy have really helped though.

Really truly honestly believed my girlfriend of 4 years was cheating on me. She was not. I had never had a panic attack before but after noticing "missing condoms" (we used them a while back and I had just forgotten) I had one. I had no idea how to handle it and it didn't help that she was out of town. Never felt that paranoid and alone before. We are still together and have been to couples therapy for a while now. Things are good but that has to be the worst emotional state I've ever experienced

I was having a stressful time with family and work related things and I couldnt sleep and didnt want to eat. It went on for maybe a week and then I started having panic attacks (which I didnt even know what that was) and I could hear music in my head. The next day I just quit on the project I was on, handed my responsibilities to someone else and maybe by the grace of God the problem was resolved. I was afraid I was going to shorten my life if I kept going. I have totally changed what we did with work, and I think I have a path to avoid what happened. This was a good helpful question to write about.

I had a mental breakdown a while ago because I was in denial of my gender identity. I...can't remember much of it, but it wasn't great, according to my loved ones. I'm ashamed of it and I wish I could do anything that I felt would properly apologize to them but I'm sure it traumatized many of them, as I've done in the past. Before I blacked out, I can remember that mandalas would appear on surfaces my mind wanted me to focus on, twisting and seething with an entrancing psychedelic energy that forced me to focus on that task. I've never experienced terror more complete than losing control of both my body and mind, and I've almost been trampled in a human stampede, blocking people from trampling others and picking up fallen children off the ground. Life is better now that I have estrogen in my system, but I imagine it would be intolerable otherwise. I hope I can forgive myself one day. I have therapy soon, so that will help a lot.

Texas. Good food, though. But it was completely mental.