It's so draining, vacillating between barely functional and feeling like I'm recovering only to get knocked on my ass again by another stressful work day or sudden onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings on my day off or week after week of total anhedonia. It doesn't help that my circumstances are such shit. I have a 17 mile commute to work that used to take me 20 minutes but lately is taking me upwards of an hour due to traffic getting worse. The dealership I work at has these nasty LED indoor lights everywhere that are damn near painful to be subjected to for eight hours or more a day, and even with my ADA accommodations finally getting me a chair that doesn't hurt my back and paying for some decent earplugs to cut down on the noise, it's still a sensory nightmare in there. Today there was this beeping fire alarm panel that was going off every second and a half all fucking day. It drove me nuts and I was losing my shit a little bit and it bled out a little bit while I was dealing with a situation relating to a customer and I feel embarrassed about that but
Mostly it's the constant intrusive thoughts of violence against myself and repeated litanies of what a worthless piece of garbage I am, how I'm going to die alone, how I'm a manchild who deserves to suffer and I'm pathetic and useless for not being able to get my shit together, how I don't qualify as an adult or even a real person, how I'm an embarrassment and a burden and I really should just stop off at that gun store I see on the way to work and purchase one of those Harrier Du Bois-approved Eject Buttons they got there because it's not going to get any better
I hate not being able to see my therapist as often as I'd like to because I can't afford it and she's a specialist not covered by insurance. I hate having to drag myself into work even when I'm feeling so shitty I cry on my entire commute there, again on my lunch hour, and again on the commute home. I hate feeling like I have to suppress and silence and push down everything about myself to placate everyone else, as any expression of emotion that doesn't feel completely strangled is deemed to be too much by everyone around me. I hate feeling like a freak because I can't relate to co-workers talking about significant others or spouses or their kids, feeling like I'll never have any of that in my life. I hate having almost no friends at all, having an empty life and bleak prospects and no hope for the future. It feels like I'm missing out on entire dimensions of the human experience, because I'm not good enough to be allowed to feel them. Pain and misery and sorrow and the fleeting pleasures of distraction is all I get.
But now I'm getting into a place where even weed and beer and junk food don't soothe the pain and I sometimes have to force myself to sit in my room doing nothing for fear I'll start going for hard liquor or try to do something to cause myself pain on purpose. I have a vacation planned in a week and some part of me is afraid it's a waste of time, that I'll go up there and find nothing but the same misery I have at home, and the tiny glimmer of hope I have right now will be snuffed out again and I'll have to keep going anyway because I've made the agreement with myself that I'm not going to press that eject button, it's not allowed, it's off the table, it's a terrible way to end my story and it will hurt the people who love me (for some reason). I envision the horror I will leave in my wake, what sort of mess my body would make, how much therapy the train conductor or truck driver or whatever would need, to say nothing of my family's pain and sorrow.
So I'm stuck here, like a prisoner, and trying to make the best of things but feeling like I just fuck up everything and it's better to not even try because why ruin perfectly good things by touching them or getting anywhere near another person? I'll just end up humiliating myself or trampling on someone's feelings without even realizing it.
All of this fucking garbage on a constant current through my head. Sometimes it's loud, sometimes it's so quiet I can ignore it easily. But it's always there. And I can never predict how bad it's going to be or which coping mechanisms from my big bag of therapy tricks will work on a given day, so I just have to find out as I wake up, go trial and error day by day, and keep putting one foot in front of the other in spite of feeling like I've had no reason to be alive the entire time I've drawn breath. I'll find one, maybe. I don't know. Have to keep going either way.
If it's worth anything, you're one of my favourite posters here.
I know the feeling, it's the worst thing in the world.
I really hope things get better for you, it sounds like a lot to deal with.
Wow, praise from Caesar (pissing owl edition)
You're one of my favorites here, too, and it pains me to see you struggle. It means a lot to hear this from you.
I'm sorry, friend. I notice your contribution to the hexbear community (partially because of your very distinct profile image), I upbear your comments quite a bit and would like you to know you've improved my life with your thoughts. It's not much, I know, but I'd feel bad if I never told you.
Your situation sounds very hard. I hope you give yourself credit for how much you're doing, and how capably you're handling it with tools that you clearly understand and use well to take care of yourself. It's easy to feel like things like that don't matter, but you're doing a lot.
Apologies if I've overstepped in any way. I'm rooting for you, at any rate.
hey I used to have incredible debilitating depression. I tried for 15 years to just deal with it.
finally, I tried sertraline. it sucked it didn't do anything but make me have diarrhea.
then I tried wellbutrin. it has entirely changed my life. I used to have time every few months where I wouldn't communicate or leave my house for weeks at a time. I used to have thoughts of suicide that wouldn't go away. I haven't had any depression since I got on it. it's incredible. I feel like it gave me my life back. I mean I still think the capitalist system is insane and inhumane and fucked but it doesn't make me want to kill myself now.
I still drink too much. but I am so much happier. and I rationalize it by concluding that there is some chemical in the water or air etc that is creating depression and the drugs just counter act those chemicals that likely fucked me up in the first place.
Sorry you feel like shit and I empathize, I have felt that way before.
Depression is an ILLNESS and it is TREATABLE.
If your body was covered with a mysterious itchy rash you wouldn't be like oh man it sucks I will be itchy for the rest of my life I guess I will drink alcohol and smoke weed until I can't feel it anymore. You would go to the doctor or urgent care and get some medicine.
This is what you need to do. Go get help. Even if it's shitty help.
If you can't imagine going anywhere, there is an app called talk space, I am sure there are others, where you can find a prescriber and get medication within 24h. It's 200 bucks. Yes it sucks, but you need to spend it. If you don't have it, go on the mutual aid comm, I will pitch in as will many others, I am sure. You can see in this thread, people know you here and will look after you.
Nobody deserves to feel this way. Go get treatment. You may end up dead without it.
My therapist costs $160 a session. Access to treatment is not the issue, paying for it in this nightmarish shithole country is
Time to mix it up maybe? Wellbutrin was great for me for a couple of years then my symptoms came back and I had to switch it up. You should probably call your doctor tbh, I am happy to hear you already have one
Was on Wellbutrin for years and got off of it because it was all side effects and none of the good stuff. Spent a year on nothing to figure my shit out and only recently got on the Lexapro and it has in fact helped.
Appreciate the advice though
I'd miss you.
Seems like a LOT of bad things are caused by your job right now. If they won't fix the lights or the beeping, do you have the ability to try applying for someplace else?
Hi, friend. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're really going through it.
I also deal with major depressive disorder. I've had severe panic attacks since I was a small child. My family situation was well below ideal, so my mental foundation is full of cracks. I can absolutely relate to the anhedonia and intrusive thoughts. I've even made a serious attempt, but I put too much faith in the integrity of my closet bar.
Have you considered inpatient treatment? When I was feeling like my only option was swinging by my neck again, I made the decision to check myself in. I figured I had literally nothing else to lose, so I surrendered. I went in at the height of covid, so the facility wasn't operating as usual. I think the experience now would be better. Either way, though, taking a break from life for a week helped me refocus. I also got access to treatment options I didn't know existed.
After I was discharged I entered into a partial hospitalization program. I had to go back from 8-3 every weekday to continue treatment. They monitored how my meds were working, and I spent a lot of time with people struggling with all kinds of issues. I found that to be really helpful. It put my own struggles in perspective, and I got the chance to talk with and help others in similar situations. All these years later, and I still keep in touch with some people I met in Don't Kill Yourself School.
Once they were satisfied with my progress in partial, I progressed to what they call IOP. It was virtual meetings that took place 3 days a week with a therapist and group of people in treatment. It was a gradual reintroduction to my normal life. During all this time, I quit my toxic job that was ruining my mental health and got on meds that were actually working. I'm not going to lie, the work was hard. Very hard.
I continued seeing a therapist and took a months long course on dialectical behavioral therapy. It has its moments, but I didn't find all the material to be particularly helpful. I have since switched therapists, and I'm doing trauma work with the hope of working my way up to EDMR.
This may not be for everyone, so please feel free to disregard this, but another hugely helpful treatment I discovered is psychedelic therapy. LSD and psilocybin have helped me get out of my well worn neuropathways and look at things differently. I honestly think these substances saved my life.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my story with you, and I hope parts of it are helpful. When I was pondering committing myself, researching and reading other people's experiences helped prepare me for what I would be dealing with. You have so many more options than you can see from the hole you're in, and there is an entire community out there that is waiting to give you a hand up. It sucks hard right now, but that doesn't mean it always will. I know you can do this. You're intelligent, and the fact that you wake up every day and keep going shows your strength. If you can deal with everything you have been going through, you can absolutely handle the work it takes to change your life.
I hope you have a wonderful vacation. If you ever want to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out. I would love to help in any way I can. Please take care. 💜
