When i first read that passage, i seriously wondered if somebody had reformatted a Halimede tweet. I don't want to dunk on Serrano too much here, i've taken a lot of good input out of her works, but this is one of her takes that has aged poorly. Like, seriously, i am so fed up with that view of being trans. The one that always, always without fail, centers suffering and pain and misery, that can only frame our joy and our thriving in contrast to the damage that has been inflicted on us, the one that can never let the past rest.
I am not like this. And it's beginning to become a problem.
You see, i like being in community with other trans people. I'm at home there, i've made friends there, found lovers there. It's where i belong. As long as i stay within my own bubble. As soon as i step out of it, i immediately get bombarded with unsolicited trauma dumps, dysphoriaposts out of a 4chan hellhole and a trainload full of internalized transphobia. Everything is a trigger for me. I cannot safely navigate most trans spaces anymore because the people there just drag me down. I logged in yesterday after a long hiatus and looked into the trans megathread and the first thing i had to do was block a user for her unspoilered loathing of the trans existence. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I used to be the kind of woman who writes big effortposts about self acceptance and how to figure yourself out and how to begin navigating systems of medical gatekeeping, but the further i go along in my own transition, the further i am removed from making these early experiences myself, the less i have it in me to unpack all that needs to be unpacked when baby trans yell their pain into the void.
And that's eating at me. It makes me feel guilt, it makes me feel like a failure to my community. My second puberty feels as if i get to sit at the table with the pretty, cool and popular girls, giving fashion advice to the prom queen while i'm leaving the most vulnerable trans people out in the rain, the ones that would need my experience and my encouragement the most. But when i try to be there for them, i harm myself. I can't say it otherwise, it is burning me out to expose myself to that kind of pain. It feels as if i'm walking backwards into a darkness i have escaped from. How do i deal with this? Do i retreat to my wonderland of privileged, happy women and girlthings or is there a way to move beyond the triggers and face the misery of others without becoming miserable myself? Because that's what i would need if i wanted to keep helping my siblings.
I think there's already a lot of good advice here but like, as someone who is a huge fan of the Halimede account, I do want to talk about the passage you posted. The excerpt kinda sounds like a halimede tweet because the performance of the halimede account is inspired strongly by Serano and Whipping Girl. And I agree that it's a waay of overly centering suffering into the trans experience... when I look into another trans woman's eyes, I really don't tend to see that. I'd say more than sadness I see a spark of possibility, and a lot of joie de vivre, even if it's buried. I don't think I'm a fan of this passage either![cat-trans cat-trans](https://www.hexbear.net/pictrs/image/27c31b53-f2dc-45c4-b222-fb11bdcf9d91.png)
Yeah, when i think of trans eyes, the first thing that comes to mind is
how much i envy my gal pal's eyebrowsthat joy of simply existing. I've been happy or ecstatic or cheerful in a lot of ways and i don't think i've ever felt anything purer than this feeling of "holy shit, i'm a girl, how amazing", and it's beautiful to recognize that in others.Recognizing each others' pain is also part of t4t dating, it can absolutely be the kind of relationship you build on mutually caring for each other, but a great deal of that is how much joy and comfort we can give each other with how little effort. How the smallest gestures put things right. If there's one thing i should name what i like about dating trans women, it's how comforted i feel in another transfem's arms.