I need to tell my fentanyl story, because it is destroying me right now. I am over 2 years clean of fentanyl, and am still paying the price every day for my choices. I fucking hate these ultra potent presses going around. They stole me from me.
My opiate story started with clean morphine. I've always had a strong preference towards clean opiates because they just feel way better. I was getting a great deal on them, a little too great. My back would hurt from dishwashing, so I'd come home and snort half a morphine capsule. Snort way more on the weekends, but low dose most days. I did this everyday for about a month. Until one day I woke up and found that I was going through withdrawals because I had ran out. My dealer was out. Here comes fentanyl into the story. I used that for about a month and had my life totally derailed. Maxed out credit cards, selling stuff, the works. I got off it fairly quickly because of how bad it derailed my life.
My issues come in when I relapsed. The first time I relapsed, I was being stupid and suicidal, but got clean stuff so one narcan brought me back like nothing. It gave me a false sense of confidence. A few months later, I relapse again, except this time instead of a whole cocktail of downers, it was half a fentanyl press. Snorted it, and was almost immediately gone. I started seeing what I think is a near death experience during it. I was really fucked. 4 narcans didn't bring me back, CPR did. And after that, things were never the same. Every mental issue I had became worse. I was having issues with schizophrenia beforehand but that's what turned it into a hellish nightmare.
Last night, my partner of 5 years broke up with me because the decline caused by that fent overdose has rotted our relationship. I am so dissociated and checked out all the time that I haven't been able to be as loving of a partner as I should have. I started getting help a few months ago but getting help for schizophrenia and traumatic brain injuries is a slow process and she's been patient for a very long time. Right now we're both essentially having a grieving session for the person that died the night I overdosed. My body came back up, my lungs were taking in air again, my eyes could see again, but a massive part of Leyla died in those 10 minutes. 2 or 3 years later, I am still just praying that I can get even close to how I used to be.
Fentanyl took me from me permanently. I cannot understate how dangerous and disgusting this shit is. And dying like that makes the cravings 10x worse when you get brought back! Seriously y'all, if y'all aren't already hooked on it, avoid this shit like the plague
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find a way back to being a person you recognize and love again. Stay strong comrade we are all pulling for you. You are worth the fight.
going to share a bit:
Fent was just a novelty drug i only ever encountered as an expensive BM fentanyl patch. i'm glad i got clean of the opiates/oids and especially H before it took over. also glad i missed the big research chemical analog phase and didn't end up with like 10 grams of furyl-fentanyl or something blasting it out of a nasal sprayer
the way you describe it, it almost sounds like the crack cocaine of opioids.
i never had a blackout OD, just a few nods, but i helped bring people back and lost a bunch of friends (including my closest).
i've been clean of H and poppy pods for about 13 years now. i do use kratom as a "cravings eliminator" but it makes me desire no opioid and even though i've had small stashes of pills i didn't touch them because i want to preserve my kratom tolerance. i don't wake up sick and it's cheap and no brain fog, constipation, etc. i'm not saying you should pick it up as a habit it can make a good stop gap if you feel overwhelmed with cravings.
otherwise your body will heal. your mind will heal. believe me. the greatest feeling ever was when i could remember what the high felt like. my body doesn't respond to it. no stomach lurching.
you will regain yourself eventually. it might take another few years before you start believing it but it will happen.
Fent and crack have a lot of similarities. I have very little proof of this, but mark my words we're going to find out that fent was a CIA project too.
But my issues come from my overdoses, not really cravings. I don't crave fent at all anymore. I associate it with death. But the brain damage caused by that overdose has been life ruining over the past two years. I'm still waiting on professional help, which I hope will bridge the gap
sorry i misinterpreted that. i wish you the best. hypoxia is no joke. neural tissue can heal too or find new pathways
My best friend relapsed recently but We got him through it thankfully without any overdose stories. He tried to go back to the sle he was in but he couldn't afford it so I just lied for like a month straight to cover for him at work.
But yeah I have watched that shit and meth destroy so many of my friends and family. I hope things get better for you comrade.
I've had substance abuse issues too so if you ever need a sympathetic ear I am here for you.
Fent is a stupid expensive habit. I got off because I was tripping on shrooms and the guilt of not being able to get anybody around me a Christmas gift, not even small stuff, because I spent absolutely all of my money on fent. I started tapering the next day and got completely clean a few weeks later. I'm glad his relapse wasn't an OD, because relapses are the perfect time to OD. And having a true fent patch overdose changes you forever, not breathing for that long causes brain damage. Can even cause strokes. There are many drugs people should never touch, but fent/super potent opiates are the absolute worst.
I appreciate it. Nowadays my only real issue is liquor. It's an issue, but I have it to a point where I'm only drinking like once a week and trying to make it 0. Outpatient has been helpful, but I do need to talk to more people
Funny enough we took some acid with another friend of ours and he quit fent the next day.
Always avoided it. Have lost a few friends to it directly or they died for other reasons that are junkie related. My heart goes out to you and your struggle. I've witnessed this struggle and understand it as much as a non-junkie can.
I want to say, however, not to mourn your past self. We all have a past self. Sometimes our past self was better in many ways. My past selves were more naive but also more open and more trusting. More optimistic. It's okay. Who we are today is not who we will be tomorrow. Change comes for us all and there is no stopping it. Find positive change and try and embrace that. Fight for it, even, because with addiction it won't come easily or for free.
I also want to say that most of my friends also probably thought nobody cared when they were ODing. I remember them. Who they were. Who they became. I miss them. They meant something to me and others. Even people I knew who passed who weren't friends. People I spent time with in activist spaces. One name comes to mind. She was a beacon of light and now gone. I don't think she knew people would travel over 1000 miles to go to her funeral. That it would be attended by local leaders, homeless, sex workers, and family all.
There are people out there for you. Waiting on you. They are willing to accept whatever is left if you can find the strength to do the work. I think you have the strength. I believe in you. Whatever is left when you succeed is good enough. You just have to get through it.
Definitely something I'm familiar with. I'm shocked I haven't overdosed yet, and even more shocked how well I still manage to function. And it's not even my only active addiction, lol. Luck, caution, and money go a long way, ig.
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(One stripe means a strip is fent positive)Don't do fent, kids.
