You're not pathetic! Don't beat yourself up so much!

I'm in my 30s and I can't use a cash register/computer while dealing with customers. My social anxiety skyrockets and I freeze. I work at a place that's considered a step up above fast food and we get all sorts of people stopping in. There are so many pretty people that either make me feel smitten or feeling so fucking ugly that I want to recoil. I have literally everyone else take orders for me because of it. You can probably imagine the "patheticness" I feel over going to work every day.

Meanwhile, I can write millions of words in my life. I can express myself pretty well with writing yet when it comes to speaking I am a miserable mess. I stutter and stammer while trying to maintain some degree of eye contact while talking. My mind jumps all over the place and I can't keep my stories straight. I can't stay coherent long enough to be the wisdom that some of the kids in my life need. You could argue it's all pathetic if you want.

If you throw out all the negativity and self-loathing that I listed about myself then what do I have left? I only have a memory of the pathetic moments. Does any of that define me as a person right in this moment? If you answer "No" then I have to ask if this applies to you as well?

I didn't call you pathetic in my opening line because there is no way for anyone to know. And as far as I know, you're the only one that has your memories.

You're not pathetic. You just remember that you are. Memories are cheap, especially the negative ones. Imagine a memory where you're the exact opposite of pathetic. What then?

All this shit sucks and is confusing but everyone else thinks so too. You're not alone.