I participate in an activity I like to call Two Minutes of Hate. It's where I listen to discourse/opinion outside of my leftist echo haberdashery.

In theory, it's an attempt to make sense of how and why people draw differential conclusions in the first place; the rational behind ideas different than my own. But usually it just leaves me irrationality angry and reactionary because 2 out of 3 grown adults honestly believe magic is real.

Today's Two Minutes of Hate: Joe Rogan Interviews Whole Foods CEO John Mackey.

It also showed me how much better my phone is at spying on me than my Smart Tv. For example, when I berate my dying houseplants about my strong distaste for Baby Yoda and the low-effort Fandom that surrounds it, my smart TV fails to pick up on the sarcasm, inflection, or context. So now I see 7 second YouTube ads specifically cross-merchandising tiny green Mandalorian characters with Chiquita bananas.

I was lulled in by the clickbait headline Whole Foods CEO DEFENDS Capitalism on my smart TV YouTube. Meanwhile, when I type the same query into my android, I get the clickbait headline Joe Rogan DEFENDS Socialism, complete with hammer and sickle emojis and catgirl anime titties.

Either way, my brain turned to mush and oozed out of my ear canals attempting to listen to Bezos' talking head and unsuspecting walking future organ farm.

When Rogan asks about the growing public interest in socialism, some of Mackey's bulletproof logic includes attacking academia.

• "Intellectuals are the enemy of capitalism".

• "Academics hate capitalism because their social status isn't high under it. He claims they are envious and jealous because “society doesn’t value them” as much as businesspeople.

• "Academics don't like capitalism because it creates innovations which changes social status."

• He makes sure to hit the favorite talking gospel of a capitalist neoclass society-- or the academia he agrees with-- that the business community rewards innovation-- that capitalism and innovation reward everybody in society as wealth creation benefits everyone-- that private business is best at creating solutions to problems it created in the first place (like environmental damage).

• "The employees are winning because they have jobs an opportunities to grow and they do that voluntarily they're not forced" he says with a straight face, while probably watching an Amazon Prime labor anti union heatmap in real time.

• He also has to throw in that he's "debated socialists," which always paints very m'lady niceguy vibes, as if challenging an opponent to a verbal duel at high noon to win the honor of a nonexistant waifu pillow is a good thing.

• Mackey is also full of friendly-sounding school of business synergy club, firing off phrases like win-win-win (now with 33% more winning! innovation!) and "conscience capitalism"-- ethical capitalism, since we all know capitalism rewards ethical values over short-term profit. Can't wait to read these hashtags on hustler harder Instagram flow, where an influencer can rent a rolex and an hour photoshoot on a decommissioned private jet so they can sell more mlm pyramid subs. Its innovation! Everyone wins!

• Finally, socialism is a utopian idea, not reality. When pressed that greed thrives in capitalism, Mackey argued that it exists everywhere, as it is part of human nature and socialism can’t eradicate greed. Checkmate losers who just want stuff for free without working. You're too greedy to want free healthcare during a worldwide pandemic! #consciouscapitalism

Anyway, I learned nothing. But I do know if I was the CEO of Whole Foods, I'd be telling myself the same goddamn lies through my teeth-- and why wouldn't I? From where I'm sitting, capitalism looks pretty damn good. The closest he'll ever get to life in the 99% percent is if he has to do an episode of Undercover Boss where we can laugh at his inability to operate a mop and a bucket, until you realize his Goldendoodle has a more comprehensive health insurance plan than you.

Becuase like alcohol, Capitalism is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. And there's no need to try anything else because its working just fine for me, operating a nationwide chain of high-end groceries that 95% of the public cannot afford, which would never build in a zip code that's less than 95% caucasian, which sold to the largest unregulated monopoly in modern times.