not wanting to date trans women stems from y’all not viewing them as “real” women... so yes your “preference” is transphobic.— destiny (@MAM1SHAMPOO) July 1, 2020
If you thought you were a true ally, maybe it's time for some introspection.
Content Warning: I say some pretty candid things about my sex life.
To start - I want to make abundantly clear that I'm trying to approach this in good faith. If I somehow miss the mark, just let me know. My goal is effective conversation here, not to hurt feelings. I don't strongly identify with my gender identity these days (there's so many more interesting things about people), but "straight, cis, man" is what I generally consider myself to be.
In my case, probably not. I have learned the hard way that I cannot ignore or get over certain traits in my partners. To be clear, these traits are totally void of moral significance, but I can't be an effective partner in a relationship to someone who has them. I've run into this problem with both physical and non-physical traits.
As an example, I'm very sensitive to smells in general, so much so that it has been the cause for several of my relationships ending. The first partner I was with where it became a problem for us had a scent that I simply could not ignore. We got along GREAT except for this one issue. Their natural blend of pheromones or body biology produced a scent that just seemed wrong to me for no reason at all. It's not like it's a bad smell- it isn't unpleasant in the same way universally recognized bad smells are, and it isn't a hygiene problem either seeing as I still noticed it even right after they took a shower. It's just something about the way I'm wired that is repelled by it I guess. When present, it makes me uncomfortable enough that I can't put it out of mind. I can think about other things too, of course, but the smell actively distracts me and demands attention. It's something that I can only smell in close physical proximity to someone too, so it was hardest for me during what should be our most intimate moments, like sex or cuddling.
When we first started dating I was able to push past that discomfort because I was so excited by all the other things I liked about them. Shit, I STILL like those other things about them. I thought I'd get used to it eventually, but that turned out not to be the case. After a few months of dating the excitement started to wear off, yet the smell was just as off-putting as when I first noticed it. It became harder and harder to ignore, and eventually resulted in intimacy problems. They were otherwise super attractive to me, but I couldn't perform in the bedroom because I couldn't get over the scent. I was able to get hard via stimulation, but it was never as strong or enjoyable of an erection as I had had with other partners, and sex became increasingly less appealing to me. When I'm happy and healthy and with the right partner, I have an almost insatiable sex drive, and sex/physical intimacy are extremely important to me, So the intimacy issues were really unsatisfying for me in a relationship. We broke up on worse terms than I would have liked because of hurt feelings.
The lesson I eventually synthesized from that and other similar experiences is to not ignore when I get that kind 'off' instinct. It doesn't matter how small an issue it seems to be, I now know that it will not be a small issue for me in the long run. Those kinds of issues have consistently ended in hurt feelings and intimacy problems, so I think it's best for all involved if I simply respect those irrational preferences.
So where do dicks fit into this picture? Well, they give me that same "off" instinct when considering them in an intimate way. It's not an "EW YUCKY PENIS" reaction, I'm not offended by nudity generally, but I realized that looking at dicks evokes a very similar response as my smell sensitivity. It's not that I don't like dicks, but that I'm actively turned off by them. I guess that's true of masculine features in general for me. I can look at or think about them impartiallly/with no reaction at all, or I can choose to focus on them with aesthetic admiration similar to how one might look at a piece of art, but viewing them when I'm turned on is a quick way to turn me right off. Seeing as one of my must haves for a romantic relationship is an active sex life, I can't see myself being able to do that with ANYONE who has a penis; man, woman, or whatever they may or may not identify as.
Content Warning: I say some pretty candid things about my sex life.
To start - I want to make abundantly clear that I'm trying to approach this in good faith. If I somehow miss the mark, just let me know. My goal is effective conversation here, not to hurt feelings. I don't strongly identify with my gender identity these days (there's so many more interesting things about people), but "straight, cis, man" is what I generally consider myself to be.
In my case, probably not. I have learned the hard way that I cannot ignore or get over certain traits in my partners. To be clear, these traits are totally void of moral significance, but I can't be an effective partner in a relationship to someone who has them. I've run into this problem with both physical and non-physical traits.
As an example, I'm very sensitive to smells in general, so much so that it has been the cause for several of my relationships ending. The first partner I was with where it became a problem for us had a scent that I simply could not ignore. We got along GREAT except for this one issue. Their natural blend of pheromones or body biology produced a scent that just seemed wrong to me for no reason at all. It's not like it's a bad smell- it isn't unpleasant in the same way universally recognized bad smells are, and it isn't a hygiene problem either seeing as I still noticed it even right after they took a shower. It's just something about the way I'm wired that is repelled by it I guess. When present, it makes me uncomfortable enough that I can't put it out of mind. I can think about other things too, of course, but the smell actively distracts me and demands attention. It's something that I can only smell in close physical proximity to someone too, so it was hardest for me during what should be our most intimate moments, like sex or cuddling.
When we first started dating I was able to push past that discomfort because I was so excited by all the other things I liked about them. Shit, I STILL like those other things about them. I thought I'd get used to it eventually, but that turned out not to be the case. After a few months of dating the excitement started to wear off, yet the smell was just as off-putting as when I first noticed it. It became harder and harder to ignore, and eventually resulted in intimacy problems. They were otherwise super attractive to me, but I couldn't perform in the bedroom because I couldn't get over the scent. I was able to get hard via stimulation, but it was never as strong or enjoyable of an erection as I had had with other partners, and sex became increasingly less appealing to me. When I'm happy and healthy and with the right partner, I have an almost insatiable sex drive, and sex/physical intimacy are extremely important to me, So the intimacy issues were really unsatisfying for me in a relationship. We broke up on worse terms than I would have liked because of hurt feelings.
The lesson I eventually synthesized from that and other similar experiences is to not ignore when I get that kind 'off' instinct. It doesn't matter how small an issue it seems to be, I now know that it will not be a small issue for me in the long run. Those kinds of issues have consistently ended in hurt feelings and intimacy problems, so I think it's best for all involved if I simply respect those irrational preferences.
So where do dicks fit into this picture? Well, they give me that same "off" instinct when considering them in an intimate way. It's not an "EW YUCKY PENIS" reaction, I'm not offended by nudity generally, but I realized that looking at dicks evokes a very similar response as my smell sensitivity. It's not that I don't like dicks, but that I'm actively turned off by them. I guess that's true of masculine features in general for me. I can look at or think about them impartiallly/with no reaction at all, or I can choose to focus on them with aesthetic admiration similar to how one might look at a piece of art, but viewing them when I'm turned on is a quick way to turn me right off. Seeing as one of my must haves for a romantic relationship is an active sex life, I can't see myself being able to do that with ANYONE who has a penis; man, woman, or whatever they may or may not identify as.