background: I learned last night from my aunt that my dad with... uhh... murderous feelings about trans people knows I'm trans and has for months. she tried to reassure me that he's too mentally ill to do anything about it and that he doesn't know where I live anyway but... god I want to scream.
why does no one in my family give a single shit about my safety?? they've all independently warned me that he can't find out and I've been so, so careful. but someone just decided to tell his mother apropos of nothing and she of course told him because she's 90 and can't imagine the evil in his heart. none of them can imagine that gossiping has fucking consequences.
I wasn't planning on changing my legal name but now I think I have to - ensuring that the court seals that record. and I also need to scrub every single public record that lists an address for me. I was already planning to move after I recovered from this surgery but this puts a whole new impetus on that since discovering and taking down info on public websites is hard. so I'll move as soon as I can - but probably after I've changed my name. I also won't set up mail forwarding such that it's harder to connect my old address with my new one.
I think going forward family can't learn anything about me - legal name, address, nothing. they have my phone number and email address and I can go visit them occasionally but no one is visiting me. I can't trust any of them to keep their mouths shut. maybe my aunt is right and he can't get his shit together enough to do anything but I can't take that kind of chance on my life. I can't live in fear of a knock at the door.
what I need: anyone know of any groups that help with this stuff? I need to disappear from someone who probably has most of my personal details, including a copy of my birth certificate, social security card, old passport, etc.. he's abused me in the past so maybe a domestic violence group could help?
also, what am I not thinking of? are there other ways he can find where I live? do I need a restraining order? that seems like an absolute waste of time and energy because calling the cops to help a brown trans woman sounds laughably stupid. even if they show up and don't decide to shoot or arrest me, he's still physically present and can harm me before they arrive.
I'm sure many of you are going to tell me to "get a gun" and while I might do that, it's not exactly a help here. not only does my city make that rather difficult but actually getting the gun to a range - all of which are well outside the city - and then using it in a facility filled with absolutely no one but cops and open fash (literally... my friends have spotted so many people brazenly displaying neo-nazi insignias at these ranges...) is an absolutely terrifying prospect for me as a brown trans woman. so I can't learn to use the weapon without traveling considerable distance to some place owned by a friend of a friend that happens to own enough land so that I can get far enough away from other people and shoot at a makeshift target or something. not exactly practical for someone who doesn't own a car! a weapon I don't know how to use is false security.
lastly, because I'm recovering from surgery, I'm safe from him at least until March as I won't be home. so my immediate safety is not in question - this is more about what I can do to ensure my long-term safety without having to look over my shoulder, day in and day out.
:cat-trans: :heart-sickle: appreciate any and all advice.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You should never have to feel unsafe. Fuck that gossiper and fuck your father.
I'm sorry I can't be useful on orgs to contact, but in terms of personal defense you might be more comfortable with a taser + mace. They don't really require much in the way of practice or aim.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Moving and changing your name is a very good start and does offer a lot of protection. The farther away you move, the better, of course. Moving internationally isn't guaranteed to be an option, but that could be even better, and if you have no real ties in this country anyway, it might be a step up in terms of quality of life.
Living with others can be good--there's safety in numbers--and it has the added bonus of saving money on rent. Finding a roommate you can trust is hard, of course, but domestic violence or trans rights orgs can potentially help with that. Changing your social security number is a good idea, and should be easy enough. Just say you're a victim of identity theft. There aren't any orgs that help people disappear--except witness protection, which is very different. But a domestic violence org will be able to give you advice on things like getting a court order or something that would allow you to have an unlisted phone number, be exempt from providing certain info for background checks or whatever, etc.
Oh, and when you change your name, be sure to 1) change it to something very common and 2) make sure the court knows it's because of domestic violence, which will allow them to seal the record and prevent the requirement of having there be a public record of your name change.
I know it's a constant refrain, but find a non-TERF org and LGBT organisations that can help you. Most older LGBT folk had to deal with an environment where this kind of danger was daily, and they can help you out with legal stuff and other ways to make yourself safe like places to stay and people to call in an emergency. There's a whole network from the 70s-80s that's still mostly intact in most places. They also know when relying on the legal system is good and when it just puts you in more danger.
As for a gun, if there's an SRA in the area, try going with them.
Uh it varies from city to city and I'm not American, but a uni lgbt group usually used to know how to help, at least a decade or so ago.
Pretty sure it’s more of an informal network of people sharing resources
yep! like, if you go live in a gay neighborhood in DC for example (expensive prices aside), you can get to know your neighbors and they will absolutely help look out for you.
The Complete Privacy and Security Podcast has a few episodes on physical home security, wiping your stuff from those personal info aggregators, and concealing a home address. I know some of the basics involve assessing your day-to-day habits (anything that makes your schedule predictable), paying to have your address unlisted, and getting all your mail at a PO Box.
If you can find a local SRA chapter, have the time to train, but don’t have the money for a piece, please post here in !mutual_aid. Or if there’s any other way we could help. I’m sure there are more than enough people here to pitch in to help you keep yourself safe
I don't have any good advice except to say that I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, and that if a few bucks would help, pm me
the local SRA is fucked. they consider themselves non-political and have shown up at fash gun rights rallies in solidarity thinking they can recruit. I know some former members but most everyone cool left after that BS. it was in conversations with them about this that they started floating the idea of making a range on a privately owned farm or something but it's never moved past "pie-in-the-sky" territory in terms of level of planning. so I really do think a gun is impractical in my current situation.
appreciated. hopefully I can set something up with comrades I trust next year but for now I'm going to focus on being as hard to find as I can.
Mace (CT Spray broadly, but some brands are better than others) is good as a defensive option, and doesn't carry the same issues as a gun as far as legality, price, risk of stray bullets, need for much practice, etc.
And to be clear, yes, RARELY a person will be able to resist. From what I understand these are typically cases where a person is on PCP and shit like that, probably coupled with lucky genetics. For the vaaaast majority of other people, if you spray them, they're kinda done being able to fuck with you for the moment.
Obviously they could still try to grab you (and if they have a gun, there is a risk of getting Jay'd), so you want to keep moving while/ after spraying. But some people react so badly to mace they're basically on their knees puking, so yeah (again, not all brands and blends are equal, some are way more potent, and also "Bear Mace" is less potent than mace for humans so don't get that).
the guy is in awful physical condition. I would be shocked if mace doesn't drop him like a sack of potatoes. I'm really only worried if he shows up with a gun. I can get a knife out of his hands even if I get cut up or stabbed a few times, no problem.
and yes, I have both pepper gel and human mace. I'll get into the habit of carrying the latter, on my person, whenever I leave home.
I don't have any specific advice so I'm sorry to kind of create noise when you're looking for help, but I still wanted to say that it's really fucked you have to deal with this.
I can empathize a little bit because I've had to cut out family as well, though not for quite such extreme reasons, my mother was physically abusive and I can empathize at least to some degree.
A lot of others are giving great advice and I hope some of it helps. Stay safe, comrade.
empathy is always appreciated, comrade.
he just took a dark turn down a fascist pipeline. after abusing me, he turned the same torrent at my sister, and eventually my mother - she's been dependent on him for care for years due to physical disabilities. he's driven my mom's whole family away with the nasty way he treats everyone these days and apparently he's gotten so neglectful of my mom, in an effort to torment her further, that she's finally ready to move to a nursing home. so he's alienated everyone and has basically nothing left but hate and spite - which is what kinda makes me afraid he'll try and take it out on me.
but, otherwise, he's been completely out of my life for years and I'm at peace with most of it. so all in all, things aren't so bad for me and are much worse for others.
cheers!
Have you considered getting a dog? A nice pitbull will defend you to death.
Dogs are useful, but are a big commitment (training, liability if you want one that can attack and stop a human, vet bills, food costs, getting enough stimulation and exercise, limited housing choices) and don't suit all lifestyles.
In Oregon, the DMV gave out my address to just some guy who wanted to buy my car and had my license plate number. Legally they aren't supposed to do that, AFAIK, but they did...
I think if one has all those documents like you said, it would be possible to find you, I'm sorry to say. I think finding a domestic violence group to help with that is a good idea. Sorry I don't have more details for you there.
Even if your Dad isn't a threat, I think it's good to keep situational awareness. Keep in mind escape routes. Practice dry runs with whatever you would use or do in a defensive situation, then get your heart rate up and practice it again so that it's muscle memory when you're under duress.
If some guy is sketch, but you aren't sure, just go ahead and run away, cross the street, break line of sight.
I keep pepper spray at the top of the same pocket all the time, and well it saved my ass one time already. Make sure you get their eyes, then GTFO. In my defensive situation the only thing I would have done differently was drop my groceries and run away sooner, but that's not always an option, and if it isn't then ya gotta overwhelm them with aggression.
I was carrying a concealed handgun too, but law and conscience didn't make that an appropriate amount of force for the situation. My situation was and I think most are too ambiguous for that huge, permanent decision. I'm so glad I had that spray on me.
Even if you don't end up getting a gun, get a concealed carry license in case you decide you do someday, it's easy but it takes forever to finally get one. I think dry-fire can go a long way, but yeah I'd want to fire my gun at least a few times.
ok thanks for the confirmation, that's exactly what I was afraid of. I'll plan to change my name and social security number.
Even if your Dad isn’t a threat, I think it’s good to keep situational awareness.
ptsd is kind of a bitch but it also means I can't not do this in public pretty much all of the time, especially when alone. I always know how I'm getting out of a place, what I can put between me and an assailant, and maintain a vigilant eye towards those around me - and especially who has noticed me or, god forbid, taken an interest in me. super useful skillset for direct action and as well as the few times it's saved my ass when alone, so unlike most of the other trauma shit, I never made an effort to relax this particular guard.
I see. I wouldn't want for you to be paranoid. I'm not in the same shoes as you, but for me having some tools and preparation under my belt seems to have helped me feel safer.
I'm just some guy on the internet though. I'd definitely seek out expertise from LGBT and domestic violence support groups.
I don't think you can change your social security number can you?
you can get a tax id number, which you use instead of your social security number. it amounts to the same thing as changing your social, since looking you up by your social will only yield results from before you started using your tax id number instead. it's how they're dealing with identity theft.
I wonder if the Equifax breach had anything to do with it? Because for the longest time it was basically just a "well, you're fucked" situation.
Get pepper spray or a tazer since you don’t need training they are cheap and can help protect you need be
