not wanting to date trans women stems from y’all not viewing them as “real” women... so yes your “preference” is transphobic.— destiny (@MAM1SHAMPOO) July 1, 2020
If you thought you were a true ally, maybe it's time for some introspection.
I'm not grossed out by penises, more just that they don't do much in terms for turning me on. I could definitely see that fact getting outweighed by a strong attraction to a pre op trans woman because I have met trans women I'm attracted to IRL.
At the same time, I'm not exactly into the idea of making someone into a subject of my own self-exploration. There's a lot of conditioning to unpack within myself, and I do not want to put that person through me dealing with own internalized transphobia that I might not really even know is there. In a sense, it's really my own fear of being a shit person and putting someone in pain. I apologize if that comes off self-centered, or narrow minded.
In most aspects of my life, belief follows action, not the other way around. Just take the plunge into trying to be the person you want to be instead of changing your mind and hoping your behavior will follow. Relationships, love, and sex are not that terrain, to me. I'd feel like I'm playing with someone's heart and not even knowing how I'm going to react.
yea, open communication is the key. I'd feel so comfy approaching a relationship with someone who talked about these kinds of fears because I know they see me as a whole ass person, have boundaries, and are prepared to communicate.
this is a super healthy attitude and I appreciate you for posting the one reasonable take from a cishet person in this whole ass thread. this doesn't come off as self-centered so much as self-aware. ❤️
Hey, thanks so much. Just trying to be honest. It's possible I'm being charitable, but I think if more cis het dudes took the time to actually interrogate their own desires I think more of us would come around to an opinion like this. No one wants to be in a relationship where they're being a bad partner/the potential for stress and pain is high.
Having trans friends/connections in organizing work has been good for me as a person in terms of dealing with the preloaded nonsense you get from growing up in society. They're some of the most actually revolutionary people I know. That said, even then I'm hyper aware of not instrumentalizing those friendships as some form of "growth" for myself. Thinking like that is both fucked up and it puts this weird veil between you and that person that prevents you from seeing them as an individual and building meaningful relationships. ❤️
What's your experience been like trying to cultivate or keep male friends as a trans person?
I think if more cis het dudes took the time to actually interrogate their own desires I think more of us would come around to an opinion like this
I agree with you. I have an extra weird and personal lens on this topic because I went from dating women to dating men through transition and so I have a million different repressed needs and desires I'm still working through and some of them need a willing partner in order for me to explore. the only way I can approach that is through very open and honest communication about my needs, what might go wrong, etc..
I’m hyper aware of not instrumentalizing those friendships as some form of “growth” for myself
oof, ouch, ow. I've had a male friend literally use that line on me earlier this year and I had to chew him the fuck out for being an objectifying piece of shit. good on you for being self-aware enough to not do this.
What’s your experience been like trying to cultivate or keep male friends as a trans person?
pretty shit, honestly. overall, I kept my female friendships, but lost virtually all of my male ones for a variety of reasons. part of that is my fault - I wasn't super picky about my friendships before transition. my friends were the people who wanted to be friends with me. what I wanted didn't really enter into it. so as soon as I started coming out and enforcing boundaries, I had to clean house and push a lot of people out of my life. but I'm glad I did and I'm much happier for it. like I had several get creepy/abusive with me, several get super uncomfortable with my transition, etc..
now... it's still weird... I'm not used to thinking about how close I am with men and managing that to avoid like accidentally falling for people or encouraging them to fall for me. I'm used to having easy friendships with men that I don't have to think about very much but, oops, suddenly I do (I always did but I was too repressed to realize the kind of trouble I was getting myself into). like, I started spending more time with someone because they were necessarily in my covid bubble, and we both needed the company, and suddenly, inside of two months, it became messy af. so I've needed to shift all my boundaries and it's been a huge learning experience.
so that's probably not the most helpful answer but ask me again in like a year after I've sorted out all the problems caused by getting my sexuality so wrong for my entire life.
so that’s probably not the most helpful answer but ask me again in like a year after I’ve sorted out all the problems caused by getting my sexuality so wrong for my entire life.
Lol you're fine. Thank you for your perspective. Im sorry to hear you lost friends, but it seems like some house cleaning was in order to get you to where you needed to be.
I'm not grossed out by penises, more just that they don't do much in terms for turning me on. I could definitely see that fact getting outweighed by a strong attraction to a pre op trans woman because I have met trans women I'm attracted to IRL.
At the same time, I'm not exactly into the idea of making someone into a subject of my own self-exploration. There's a lot of conditioning to unpack within myself, and I do not want to put that person through me dealing with own internalized transphobia that I might not really even know is there. In a sense, it's really my own fear of being a shit person and putting someone in pain. I apologize if that comes off self-centered, or narrow minded.
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❤️
In most aspects of my life, belief follows action, not the other way around. Just take the plunge into trying to be the person you want to be instead of changing your mind and hoping your behavior will follow. Relationships, love, and sex are not that terrain, to me. I'd feel like I'm playing with someone's heart and not even knowing how I'm going to react.
yea, open communication is the key. I'd feel so comfy approaching a relationship with someone who talked about these kinds of fears because I know they see me as a whole ass person, have boundaries, and are prepared to communicate.
this is a super healthy attitude and I appreciate you for posting the one reasonable take from a cishet person in this whole ass thread. this doesn't come off as self-centered so much as self-aware. ❤️
Hey, thanks so much. Just trying to be honest. It's possible I'm being charitable, but I think if more cis het dudes took the time to actually interrogate their own desires I think more of us would come around to an opinion like this. No one wants to be in a relationship where they're being a bad partner/the potential for stress and pain is high.
Having trans friends/connections in organizing work has been good for me as a person in terms of dealing with the preloaded nonsense you get from growing up in society. They're some of the most actually revolutionary people I know. That said, even then I'm hyper aware of not instrumentalizing those friendships as some form of "growth" for myself. Thinking like that is both fucked up and it puts this weird veil between you and that person that prevents you from seeing them as an individual and building meaningful relationships. ❤️
What's your experience been like trying to cultivate or keep male friends as a trans person?
I agree with you. I have an extra weird and personal lens on this topic because I went from dating women to dating men through transition and so I have a million different repressed needs and desires I'm still working through and some of them need a willing partner in order for me to explore. the only way I can approach that is through very open and honest communication about my needs, what might go wrong, etc..
oof, ouch, ow. I've had a male friend literally use that line on me earlier this year and I had to chew him the fuck out for being an objectifying piece of shit. good on you for being self-aware enough to not do this.
pretty shit, honestly. overall, I kept my female friendships, but lost virtually all of my male ones for a variety of reasons. part of that is my fault - I wasn't super picky about my friendships before transition. my friends were the people who wanted to be friends with me. what I wanted didn't really enter into it. so as soon as I started coming out and enforcing boundaries, I had to clean house and push a lot of people out of my life. but I'm glad I did and I'm much happier for it. like I had several get creepy/abusive with me, several get super uncomfortable with my transition, etc..
now... it's still weird... I'm not used to thinking about how close I am with men and managing that to avoid like accidentally falling for people or encouraging them to fall for me. I'm used to having easy friendships with men that I don't have to think about very much but, oops, suddenly I do (I always did but I was too repressed to realize the kind of trouble I was getting myself into). like, I started spending more time with someone because they were necessarily in my covid bubble, and we both needed the company, and suddenly, inside of two months, it became messy af. so I've needed to shift all my boundaries and it's been a huge learning experience.
so that's probably not the most helpful answer but ask me again in like a year after I've sorted out all the problems caused by getting my sexuality so wrong for my entire life.
Lol you're fine. Thank you for your perspective. Im sorry to hear you lost friends, but it seems like some house cleaning was in order to get you to where you needed to be.