I am so fucking alone. I literally have a nervous tick where when an embarrassing memory plays in my head, as they often do, I suddenly blurt out, against my own volition "No one is ever going to love me, I'm going to die alone!"
I have the same sort of verbal tick except mine is usually "Fuck me" or "I want to fucking kill myself." Same feelings though, sorry you have to deal with it too. I experience physical pain with really shameful memories and it sucks.
I say that kind of thing too! Not just the die alone thing, but really dark self-harmful stuff. Violent stuff. And it's not even like I really want to do that kind of thing in that moment, it's just a set of words that I think part of my brain responds to the painful, embarassing thoughts to "shock" me out of it. And yeah, there is a painful sensation that goes along with them. I call them "wince words." Years ago I was searching around to see if other people did it too, and... they do. Here is an ancient conversation about it that I came across and found comfort in, knowing I wasn't the only one. I'm likewise sorry you're tormented by this kind of thing.
Oh yes, sometimes I even have intrusive thoughts with vivid images of mutilating myself, even though I'm not having any sort of self-harm ideation these days. I came to a similar conclusion - that my brain was trying to distract me from the painful shame sensation with the strongest thing it could think up. Thank you for the thread, I was really surprised to see how many people responded and could relate to this! It's definitely the sort of thing that can make you feel crazy.
You aren't worthless or a loser, just FYI. Even if we'll never meet, if you're posting here and engaging with leftist thought then you're worth something to me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crippling loneliness - I'm married, but I haven't seen anyone besides my family and coworkers for months. Things will get better sometimes, even if they also get worse.
Thank you. I really do appreciate that. I know this name is extreme, and I don't always feel that way but yes I really do struggle with loneliness and solitude.
I have phone therapy on and off. Been struggling with this kind of thing for years and have had help in the past but there's only so much a therapist can do.
I hope you'll find the help you deserve. I used to suffer from OCD and severe social anxiety for a long time, and it made me really lonely. But at some point it worked out, and I was able to slowly overcome it. You can too, I'm sure of it. :meow-hug:
Thanks. Yes, I've read about other people who do that kind of thing. On the occasion when I am around other people I'm afraid I might do it within earshot and there have been some close calls but not too bad. Yours makes for a pretty funny anecdote though.
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hey, i'm your fbi handler, i'm around you all the time and i care about you! :hyperflush:
I am so fucking alone. I literally have a nervous tick where when an embarrassing memory plays in my head, as they often do, I suddenly blurt out, against my own volition "No one is ever going to love me, I'm going to die alone!"
I have the same sort of verbal tick except mine is usually "Fuck me" or "I want to fucking kill myself." Same feelings though, sorry you have to deal with it too. I experience physical pain with really shameful memories and it sucks.
I say that kind of thing too! Not just the die alone thing, but really dark self-harmful stuff. Violent stuff. And it's not even like I really want to do that kind of thing in that moment, it's just a set of words that I think part of my brain responds to the painful, embarassing thoughts to "shock" me out of it. And yeah, there is a painful sensation that goes along with them. I call them "wince words." Years ago I was searching around to see if other people did it too, and... they do. Here is an ancient conversation about it that I came across and found comfort in, knowing I wasn't the only one. I'm likewise sorry you're tormented by this kind of thing.
Oh yes, sometimes I even have intrusive thoughts with vivid images of mutilating myself, even though I'm not having any sort of self-harm ideation these days. I came to a similar conclusion - that my brain was trying to distract me from the painful shame sensation with the strongest thing it could think up. Thank you for the thread, I was really surprised to see how many people responded and could relate to this! It's definitely the sort of thing that can make you feel crazy.
You aren't worthless or a loser, just FYI. Even if we'll never meet, if you're posting here and engaging with leftist thought then you're worth something to me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this crippling loneliness - I'm married, but I haven't seen anyone besides my family and coworkers for months. Things will get better sometimes, even if they also get worse.
Thank you. I really do appreciate that. I know this name is extreme, and I don't always feel that way but yes I really do struggle with loneliness and solitude.
Hey buddy, do you have any help with these feelings? (I mean like a therapist or counselor)
I have phone therapy on and off. Been struggling with this kind of thing for years and have had help in the past but there's only so much a therapist can do.
I hope you'll find the help you deserve. I used to suffer from OCD and severe social anxiety for a long time, and it made me really lonely. But at some point it worked out, and I was able to slowly overcome it. You can too, I'm sure of it. :meow-hug:
Damn that's tough sorry
I do that too but with a lil whistle, sorta sounds like the twitter notification. Once had someone check their phone after I remember something.
Thanks. Yes, I've read about other people who do that kind of thing. On the occasion when I am around other people I'm afraid I might do it within earshot and there have been some close calls but not too bad. Yours makes for a pretty funny anecdote though.
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