Mods, feel free to delete this post.
My girlfriend and I have been talking about entering an open relationship the last 3 years. We’ve been together for 6 and had our ups and downs but we’ve been really solid the last two years. We love each other and I say our relationship is strong.
The last week, we’ve been laying ground rules for potentially opening up our relationship. We want to keep it very casual with other people.
Anyone willing to share their experience both good or bad?
This has been my experience, more or less. I'm sure it can work, but I've known 4 different people in 4 different open relationships, and three of them ended as a result of one person being way more "open" than the other. The fourth one is still ongoing, but that person confided in me that they're miserable, and only sticking it out because they're married.
If you think about how many "regular relationships" fail? the rate is similar. It is more noticeable because it is novel and involves more people. It is just internalized bits of sex negativity thst we have to work though.
Also because it isn't normal people who aren't normal are more likely to try it. So there is extra chaos in that. However, we are posting on hexbear. We are about as far from normal as it gets.
It is just internalized bits of sex negativity thst we have to work though.
Are you saying that anyone who doesn't want an open relationship just has "sex negativity" they need to work through?
No, I am saying that even otherwise good comrades can have biases there we wouldn't expect. There are plenty of valid reasons to. This is just an unexpected roadblocks.
It is more likely than not given how we were raised.
It's like a chain where if any link gives out, the whole thing breaks.
Everyone would have to be just as "open" as the others involved, and even the appearance of approval can be more like tolerance that can build into resentment. It may not be with you or your girlfriend, but instead something with additional people involved, either resenting where they stand between you and her or trying to pull her (or you) away in their favor.
It's not impossible, but the challenge multiplies with each additional person involved, so it seems. When someone I know announces one, it's often a timer counting down until the metaphorical chain breaks somewhere.
We don’t want to add partners but have casual dates with randoms because of jealousy/emotion. But it’s still very risky.
If your relationship chemistry allows it, you may want to consider a "swinger" arrangement as a one-off thing, as another Hexbear suggested here. Those tend to be safer and more stable with a more easy "out" if something goes wrong.
That’s something we’ll think about. Adding partners is not what we’re looking for and is much more risky in my opinion. We’re mostly looking for casual fun.
That's the nice thing about swinger arrangements: the other couple (presumably) has the same intentions, so both couples have a better chance of keeping it that way.
Is there swinger practice that isn't unavoidably inflected with married middle class boomers and gen-Xers?
I don't see how you avoid coming to view someone you're physically involved with as sort of a partner. Even a casual non primary relationship takes emotional maintenance...right? Kind of? I'm not cut out for it probably. Good luck
The problem with "open" relationships is that typically one person will find it much, much easier to take advantage of the arrangement than the other. So it ends up feeling like it's only "open" (or significantly more open) for one person involved, which is just bad news all around.
The problem there isn't thst one person is having a good time, and one person a bad time.
The problem is that one person is having a good time and then not checking on their partner and making sure problems get addressed so they can have a good time to.
this is a good point, and i think if that possibility would be an issue, that's a good sign not to try it. like, maybe you feel like you wouldn't be jealous if you were running your own game, but are you sure you wouldn't be if you weren't?
I was, but we had different ideas of how serious our relationship was. She mostly stopped seeing other people aside from me, and then I realized I had really strong feelings for someone else and broke things off. I feel really awful about it ngl.
Isn't that a better outcome though? What would the normative formulation have been? After six months the relationship devolved into momentium and acrimony? Relationships ending is not a negative outcome. Relatinships going poorly is thr negative outcome.
I suppose you’re right. But it still made me feel like a monster when I told her I needed to end things and she sobbed because she could see us being together for the rest of our lives.
As it should. You are, I assume, a good person. So causing another person pain made you feel bad. That it is good. That is a risk we open ourselfs up to when we become involved with other people. You probably did nothing wrong.
In a perfect falgsc world there would be resupurces and rituals available to allow us to help people through pain like that. Under capitlaism where time is precious and resources are hard won it isn't easy for people to recieve the emotional labor they need. That isn't your fault.
Yeah. It’s almost like being a human with complicated emotions is difficult or something. And even under falgsc “I don’t share your feelings, I love someone else” will still suck.
I think I mostly said that.
No, it won't. Or at least not as bad. Pain is a sensation. It is created by your brain, that's why we can use medicine to change perceotion of it and stuff. Under falgsc where life is less stressful in general things like this would factually hurt less.
This presupposes that the relationship would've ended without any open relationship exploration.
In my particular case the relationship was never not open. And also I was already heavily considering ending things before I slept with my then-roommate-now-gf, that just cemented that I needed to.
Honestly the problem wasn’t the open, it was the difference in thoughts of what our relationship was. I thought we were basically friends with benefits and if we were together that presents as acting like a couple. She thought of us as a couple but sometimes we go on dates or sleep with other people.
Opening up doesn't alter the fundamentals of a relationship. If you can comunicate well, or poorly, a bit of pleasant exercise isn't going to change that. People often make a mistale where they think the new context will change who they are and that very rarely happens.
What it does change is it raises the ammount of work you have to do to maintian relationships healthfully. So sometimes you don't have thre energy for that and that is a concern. That is part of why you see so many comfortable liberals in the lifestyle. The have the time and resources to do it.
We want to limit the time we see someone and only keep it to casual dates/hookups to try and prevent emotional connections but ah.
Can’t say that wouldn’t work. The person I slept with that I had feelings for was my roommate so that’s a whole other thing. Ultimately the problem wasn’t that we were open, it was that I just didn’t really have feelings for her.
Why? Getting feelings is the best part. Love is good. When you meet new people you get a flood of brain chemicals. It is called new relationship emergy. NRE because it is such a thing people feel a need to acronym it. It is fun, but it passes, and maybe you will still be into the person when it fades or maybe you won't. That's fine. It can be hard to adjust to seeing a partner have more fun with a new partner than you can give them. That is the point though, if you truely love the person you are happy you can allow them to have those great experiences and you share that. That new emotion is called compursion. It is like empathy except you are having it for your partner. So boomers fundamentally never created ways to teach us about it. That is a whole lot though, if it sounds like to much swinging or sex parties are perfectly valid and fun as well.
COMMUNICATION
IMA SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
COMMUNICATION
What makes it fail: lack of maintenance. Poly shit, whether or not it's poly in name, requires emotional and temporal upkeep. If you don't have the spoons for it then it's probably not for you. If you're into one night stands, there are ways to do that, but you'll burn through your local community pretty quickly. Most people prefer the monogamy treadmill and are off limits unless you want to lie and hurt their feelings later.
Not the exact same thing but I've been in a poly relationship before and it ended horribly. The reality of it is a lot different than the idea of it, things will feel different and they will never be the same as they were before.
Thank you for the insight into it. I’m going to read it over a few times!
So my experience being in one for over a year and counting is the openness has been pretty one-sided. At the start of our relationship we talked it out and my partner was very clear they wanted an open relationship, I personally am monogamous but my partner was very good about setting ground rules (no other romantic interests, sex is fine as well as whatever leads up to that, and we tell each other before we do anything with anyone else). At the start I figured "yeah I'm mature, I'm a big man and can handle it. Maybe I'll even find someone for a side fling. Being jealous is toxic anyways."
Part of me agreeing to it was because I knew I was going to be away a lot, I knew I would be out of town with some movie work for a couple months total in this past year. I think I've always felt it was a bit begrudging, but I love them and I know they love me so I make it work. Communication has helped a lot, they have always told me whenever they are going to have another partner so I've never been wondering. But jealousy is real, I think I'm going to have a talk with them about our relationship sometime soon because I don't like it.
my partner and i dated someone for about 10 mos or so and they were dating us as a couple. we were nominally poly at the time. met them through the bdsm scene so it worked because we were all gender experimenting together, were nerds and had a pre arranged structure for our sexual relationship which we worked out when we first hung out a few days in person.
it was too long distance (not super far but like 2 states away) in the end to maintain despite our efforts. we're still technically open but not actively looking since we don't want to date people on our own (unless there were certain conditions we've discussed that are very rare). we weren't "unicorn hunters" or something cringe but always felt we couldn't give each other all the attention we needed. now i don't think i'd ever be able to find some random person i'd trust enough to let into our relationship.we weren’t “unicorn hunters”
:brow:
Edit: More specifically, what the hell does that mean?
its a term for het couples looking for a bi girl (or occasionally a lesbian, by not mentioning the boyfriend for a while) to be a purely sexual non-committal third person in their relationship. they are (or were) unfortunately common on wlw tinder
From what I understand, a "unicorn" typically refers to a rare kind of woman (thus the name for them) that is fine with being the less-committed "open" sexual partner to a male/female couple. I'm sure that there are variations, but the slang usually refers to "brobro mcbroski wants a harem" dynamics that usually aren't balanced well for the women involved.
Unicorns are the third to a couple and in bed, straps a dildo to their head (like a unicorn's horn, thus the name) to penetrate the couple
and in bed, straps a dildo to their head (like a unicorn’s horn, thus the name) to penetrate the couple
Alright, I'm pretty sure you're making this part up.
It refers to the tendency of emotionally unprepared couples to want a "third" as an emptionally unattached single female they can use as a toy. Becuase of the rarity of this working they are called unicorns.
It is very cis/het and useually invalidates multiple people's feelings before falling appart badly.
sorry for late reply. "unicorn hunters" are those cringe usually cishet couples looking for a bisexual woman not to create a meaningful relationship but just to basically have someone to sexually exploit. the unicorn is this woman that doesn't exist in the real world.
It's p cool. I have had good experiences. None of the situations are covered by Disney movies so no one knows how to act in one by default so you have to do may more comunication and boundry searching than you are used to. Especially in our current age of loanlyness it is an important path forward but not everyone is ready for it.
Any reason to do the open relationship format rather than swinging or a threesome or something?
(There's definitely valid reasons just wanted to ask )
I think we’re thinking of something to swinging. Like we don’t want to be partners with anyone else but just casually hookup/dates.
So swinging has two implications (in my mind, at least):
- You're a part of the "swinging community" at large
- you two are typically both going to be involved when a hookup happens (contrasted with an "open relationship", which implies to me that you both are gonna have your own hookups or dates on your own time)
I'm curious if you would say either, neither, or both would apply to you...
The first bullet point and the open relationship is what we have in mind I believe.
Love how a bunch of weirdos have showed up to reify and reinforce monogamy as the only real/serious option. Totally what this thread needed/was asking for guys.
Anyway, open and it rules, married. Neither of us could imagine not being open. As with all relationships it requires a constant stream of communication, and resentment can build up, this has happened in previous relationships, but i think that frequently happens in mono relationships and people stay together for longer because when you're in a monogamous relationship you sort of have to turn off the "if shit sucks hit da bricks" part of your brain.
I will say based on some stuff you're saying, IDK if its right for you. Strings Attached forms of polyamory (they have to date us a couple, you need permission from me, etc) always seems to fail IME. My wife and I's relationship works because no matter how caught up she gets with a crush or even explicit partner I know shes coming home to me at the end of the night, telling me about her date. I hold and kiss her while we fall asleep. etc.
I want her to come home at the end of the ight and tell me about it. We’re still in the early stages of planning.
Love how a bunch of weirdos have showed up to reify and reinforce monogamy as the only real/serious option. Totally what this thread needed/was asking for guys.
:yea:
Strings Attached forms of polyamory (they have to date us a couple, you need permission from me, etc) always seems to fail IME.
also they're cringe
hexbear sabotaged me by making this reply to the wrong thing :angery:
What made it work? No one involved experienced jealousy particularly strongly. Lots and lots of talking and communication. Lots of patience.
What made it fail? My mental illness. Her extremely stressful breakup with her other boyfriend.
An open relationship can really pry the cracks in any relationship apart. If you have issues with mutually providing enough time, communication, and passion to each other, then an open relationship will simply turn a failing relationship into a traumatically failed relationship. If the relationship is strong and you simply want to explore other things casually, then casually explore things together with each other present. Open relationships based on growing emotional roots outwards from a troubled relationship will fail. Open relationships based on bringing passion into a strong relationship are broadly successful.
