My God I feel this so so so hard. For me it's confusing because it feels like my behavior is quite masculine, or at least somewhat masculine, and just like existing by myself puts me in this headspace where I'm like fuck am I just a guy oh God oh God. Or like when I mention this to literally anyone, no one is like " I think you're being hard on yourself". Everyone just affirms that I act masculine, which just sends me down the dysphoria spiral. So then I try to present more femme but still just incessantly get misgendered by everyone 😩 feel like I'm going insane and I can't really fix it at all, unlike my physical appearance. The hardest thing is that I do feel like I'm expressing myself in a fem way and it apparently is so far off from reality I feel like I can't trust my feelings
When I'm comfy, I have no problem expressing femme or at least non binary, and people affirm this, but when i'm uncomfortable, if I'm really done to the nines and there's no mistaking my presentation - i come off as a bitch - but if i am in normal-ish clothes - a femme top and blue jeansx or something - i just get misgendered and coded masculine.
It takes so much work for the cis world to recognize me, and I feel that too.
I am genuinely inwardly feminine, but I was alive for almost three decades before i started transition, so I have just under a decade of acting femme, in my early toddler years, and in the five years since i started this journey - in between is decades of living as a 'boy', and a 'man', and that coding is still more or less the default "server offline" behavior - when I have nothing else, i retreat into the little stoic stern sadboy shell I spent 28 years hiding in. I hate it :|
Omg ikr. Im only like 7 months into my transition. Otherwise I was pretty good at being a cishet guy, well except that I was miserable. But yeah it takes so so much work to be seen right, and it's a total crapshoot for me. I think I need to come out to live 100% as myself but I don't really wanna come out until I'm at least passing as a trans woman most of the time. IDC about being clocked as trans though
I'm with you. To me, my femininity is very visual. I don't have a sense that I'm feminine "deep down inside." So I spend the week living as a guy, and I look in the mirror and say, "oh, that's me. That's fine I guess I'm a guy" as my facial hair grows out. Then, when I get some space to actually shave, let my hair down, and dress the way I like, I look in the mirror and I'm like "holy shit how did I think I was a guy for a whole week?"
I went out with work friends this weekend while presenting femme. I was originally going under the assumption that I'm a femme guy, but once I spent like an hour in public in femme, having a normal fucking time, I just wanted to come out to them so bad (I didn't. We're not that close).
As far as behavior goes, though? I've killed the gender cop in my head. I used to second guess myself asking things like, "would a girl do that?" Or "is this too masculine?" I don't care anymore. Being trans is about acting the way I want, not trying to fit a mold. Someone here once pointed out that nodding is masculine coded and waving is feminine coded. I tried it out, and I'm not a waver lol. The nodding will continue, idc if it's "masc." There's a dozen other little examples, too.
What behaviors do you have that you and your friends think are so masculine anyway? My wife is cis, but if she were trans, she would have a TON of behaviors that people would clock as masculine.
Well, my friends won't come out and say that I have masc behaviors. However, something is going on because I'm not a particularly super masculine looking person, and I literally never get gendered correctly. Even when I'm around people that have only ever known me as Jennifer, I routinely get misgendered (I get apologies which is all well and good but it still hurts). To me this means people just don't see it. Like if you've known me for a while and you still misgender me, it's something I'm doing probably. If it's happening all the time, I'm obviously just coming off as masc in a way that is undeniable.
And yeah I have a hard time with the " I know I'm a woman deep down". I basically know where I want to be, I know that if I could choose i would have been a cis woman, I want to be a woman. But I don't feel like a woman. Ofc I'm still not completely out. But also like, the other part of gender is that other people put a gender on me, ya know? And I'm just not getting anything from anyone that shows they see me as a femme or a woman or whatever. IDK I just feel stuck
Like if you've known me for a while and you still misgender me, it's something I'm doing probably
I don't think this is true. It's well within the realm of possibility that it's on them, and you're behavior has little to do with it.
If it's happening all the time, I'm obviously just coming off as masc in a way that is undeniable
Now this... I mean, I can't deny that. I've got a manly face, and there's no way I'm ever going to pass. I'm not ever going to practice a really girly voice either because I don't want one.
But, like, if my friends use this to invalidate my gender identity, then, uh, they won't be my friends anymore lol. If people aren't going to believe me because I act or look a certain way, then they can fuck off.
I know this is super generic advice, but it's all I got. Sometimes my wife still dead names me out of habit, and she apologizes after, but then I think "Oh, you're just always going to see me that way, huh." So, I know where you're coming from. But like... I also don't want to perform femininity in a way that I don't like just to try to get cis people to acknowledge me.
I basically know where I want to be, I know that if I could choose i would have been a cis woman, I want to be a woman. But I don't feel like a woman.
My God I feel this so so so hard. For me it's confusing because it feels like my behavior is quite masculine, or at least somewhat masculine, and just like existing by myself puts me in this headspace where I'm like fuck am I just a guy oh God oh God. Or like when I mention this to literally anyone, no one is like " I think you're being hard on yourself". Everyone just affirms that I act masculine, which just sends me down the dysphoria spiral. So then I try to present more femme but still just incessantly get misgendered by everyone 😩 feel like I'm going insane and I can't really fix it at all, unlike my physical appearance. The hardest thing is that I do feel like I'm expressing myself in a fem way and it apparently is so far off from reality I feel like I can't trust my feelings
When I'm comfy, I have no problem expressing femme or at least non binary, and people affirm this, but when i'm uncomfortable, if I'm really done to the nines and there's no mistaking my presentation - i come off as a bitch - but if i am in normal-ish clothes - a femme top and blue jeansx or something - i just get misgendered and coded masculine.
It takes so much work for the cis world to recognize me, and I feel that too.
I am genuinely inwardly feminine, but I was alive for almost three decades before i started transition, so I have just under a decade of acting femme, in my early toddler years, and in the five years since i started this journey - in between is decades of living as a 'boy', and a 'man', and that coding is still more or less the default "server offline" behavior - when I have nothing else, i retreat into the little stoic stern sadboy shell I spent 28 years hiding in. I hate it :|
Omg ikr. Im only like 7 months into my transition. Otherwise I was pretty good at being a cishet guy, well except that I was miserable. But yeah it takes so so much work to be seen right, and it's a total crapshoot for me. I think I need to come out to live 100% as myself but I don't really wanna come out until I'm at least passing as a trans woman most of the time. IDC about being clocked as trans though
I'm with you. To me, my femininity is very visual. I don't have a sense that I'm feminine "deep down inside." So I spend the week living as a guy, and I look in the mirror and say, "oh, that's me. That's fine I guess I'm a guy" as my facial hair grows out. Then, when I get some space to actually shave, let my hair down, and dress the way I like, I look in the mirror and I'm like "holy shit how did I think I was a guy for a whole week?"
I went out with work friends this weekend while presenting femme. I was originally going under the assumption that I'm a femme guy, but once I spent like an hour in public in femme, having a normal fucking time, I just wanted to come out to them so bad (I didn't. We're not that close).
As far as behavior goes, though? I've killed the gender cop in my head. I used to second guess myself asking things like, "would a girl do that?" Or "is this too masculine?" I don't care anymore. Being trans is about acting the way I want, not trying to fit a mold. Someone here once pointed out that nodding is masculine coded and waving is feminine coded. I tried it out, and I'm not a waver lol. The nodding will continue, idc if it's "masc." There's a dozen other little examples, too.
What behaviors do you have that you and your friends think are so masculine anyway? My wife is cis, but if she were trans, she would have a TON of behaviors that people would clock as masculine.
Well, my friends won't come out and say that I have masc behaviors. However, something is going on because I'm not a particularly super masculine looking person, and I literally never get gendered correctly. Even when I'm around people that have only ever known me as Jennifer, I routinely get misgendered (I get apologies which is all well and good but it still hurts). To me this means people just don't see it. Like if you've known me for a while and you still misgender me, it's something I'm doing probably. If it's happening all the time, I'm obviously just coming off as masc in a way that is undeniable.
And yeah I have a hard time with the " I know I'm a woman deep down". I basically know where I want to be, I know that if I could choose i would have been a cis woman, I want to be a woman. But I don't feel like a woman. Ofc I'm still not completely out. But also like, the other part of gender is that other people put a gender on me, ya know? And I'm just not getting anything from anyone that shows they see me as a femme or a woman or whatever. IDK I just feel stuck
I don't think this is true. It's well within the realm of possibility that it's on them, and you're behavior has little to do with it.
Now this... I mean, I can't deny that. I've got a manly face, and there's no way I'm ever going to pass. I'm not ever going to practice a really girly voice either because I don't want one.
But, like, if my friends use this to invalidate my gender identity, then, uh, they won't be my friends anymore lol. If people aren't going to believe me because I act or look a certain way, then they can fuck off.
I know this is super generic advice, but it's all I got. Sometimes my wife still dead names me out of habit, and she apologizes after, but then I think "Oh, you're just always going to see me that way, huh." So, I know where you're coming from. But like... I also don't want to perform femininity in a way that I don't like just to try to get cis people to acknowledge me.
Just stay the course, girl