Disclaimer: All my love to poly comrades, I'm not shitting on your relationship preferences, it's just this tweet is ridiculous.
I really wish more folks clued in on that. So many hypothetical, fever dreamed up instances that never fucking happened, but in theory could. Reddit buys this shit up all the time too
Polyamory isn't going mainstream anytime soon, and Based on the poly people I have met, they'll be far quicker to judge everyone else for not being Poly than the other way around. You know like how new atheists called everyone stupid for not being exactly like them and then wondered why people were sick of them and decided it was oppression? I suspect it will be that again.
I've got nothing against Poly relationships, but I feel like most people already have enough trouble dealing with only one other romantic partner. A 4 person polycule has 6 different individual relationships within itself, and I feel like that would have way too much potential for messiness for me to feel comfortable in.
The vast majority of poly relationships I've seen have basically just gone "two people who are intensely in love with each other but also one or both want to sleep around -> one of them gets replaced in emotional importance by someone new -> the replaced party ends up deeply hurt that someone they love doesn't give a shit about them anymore." It's happened to friends of mine, it happened to my ex before we started dating, and then she did it to me in turn. In fact, I've only ever seen one long-term stable polycule and even having barely any contact with them all I see is the ridiculous amount of effort they all put in to maintain that relationship with one another.
People get hurt and badly hurt each other in relationships all the time. Lots of people aren't (yet but they could be) the kind to reflect and really care about the needs of others, and just as is the case with monogamy, usually results in pain and hurt feelings. It's nothing unique to polyamory, it's just that polyamory involves more moving parts and there are more opportunities for friction.
the ones ive seen work best is when two couples decide they really like each other's company and decide to take it more seriously. everyone already is more attached to one person and it helps meld things better.
Trouble do be increasing at
n*(n-1)/2n - 0.5 rate, but it's a personal choice.Or groupal in this case, but you get it.
a four person polycule could have only 3 relationships?
A B
B C
C D
I don't know if your doing a bit, but:
AB, AC, AD
BC, BD,
CD
Each of these is an individual relationship
Not everyone has to date everyone in a polycule.
Take a three person polycule for instance.
It can be A B and BC
Or it can be A B, B C, and CA
Transpeople would like to be able to make respectful overtures without being construed as trespasssers on private property and responded to with typical indignation and violence, wouldn't they?
This feels more like a condemnation of your social circle than poly people overall
More a condemnation of "loud" poly people in the punk community than the majority who I suspect aren't like that. I also suspect it's a pre-emptive defence mechanism because they're used to people shitting on them.
My encounters have always been fleeting, honestly and I didn't intend this as a condemnation of all poly people. Merely the kind that make tweets like this. Which I thought was clear tbh.
You didn't condemn all poly people, but when you have a full thread of comments like yours that say effectively "the only poly people I know suck for x or y other reason" it's hard not to read between the lines.
When I commented there were no other comments though, as you can see by the time I posted. So At the time I only had the image to react to and wasn't "piling on" as it now seems.
I know polyamorous people get a lot of unfair shit, but it's not like a sexual orientation or form of gender expression. It's just a decision, right? Poly isn't even really a descriptor of a person but of a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm advancing the oppression that this person is so preemptively angry about.
It's still a matter of sexual liberation. We're all revolutionaries here, propagating controversial opinions, lifestyles and worldviews that are reasonable should be something we always support. Society is too conditioned to accept convention.
I’d say it’s more of an identity descriptor than just a descriptor of a given relationship though probably not on level with a more standard identity descriptor like orientation (but it’s all constructed on material conditions so who cares? It’ll all change eventually anyway). I like to think of it like being bi, just because I’m currently with a hetero partner doesn’t mean I’ve lost my interest in homosexual partners or relationships. I’m just not pursuing them in that present moment. Similarly once you’ve made the jump to poly and realize it’s something you have interest in and would enjoy pursuing the thought of it is something you’ll be bringing into any relationship you’re in even if you’re not actively pursuing polyamory at that time. I guess it’s less an identity marker and more about being someone with the personality type that would be open to/want it. So now I’ve gone full circle and it’s just a preference again but what are most identity markers except preferences that are highly stigmatized and made socially rigid in your ability to pursue them?
Sorry I don’t get to talk about this stuff often
why would you cheat instead of just breaking off the incompatible relationship? Its for sure a shitty and potentially abusive thing to do to someone and completely unnecessary. Tons of people who actually want a poly relationship out there.
I think that's the explanation doe's giving for why deer wouldn't try to be in a mono relationship, seems like a solid argument to me haha
I think for some people it is a decision. For some it is more orientation.
It is as much a decision as ADHD or childhood trauma are a decision. There is no standard sexuality with the rest being a "degenerate deviation". Some people get super attached to one person and that's just how they are and others never feel the same attachment and get bored quickly or feel suffocated in monogamous relationships with all the duties and limitations they entail both physically but also in terms of expected emotionality. So yeah at the end of the day being mocked or looked at funny is obviously not the same as being a victim of racism or have people deny you the right to life and dignity because of a disability but it also isn't "just a decision" akin to what colour T-shirt to wear today or which movie to watch.
Idk it doesn't seem like a sexuality, but rather a preference in relationship dinamic. Anyways I'm obviously not an expert.
If you want an actual commie take you could read Alexandra Kollontai’s “Make Way for Winged Eros” or listen to the AK47 podcast on her writings. She describes relationship dynamics throughout history as an outcome of material conditions and theorizes that a communist society would produce more open, polyamorous relationships. Iirc she was the only one of Stalin’s central committee that wasn’t either assassinated by Stalin or Stalin himself
With polyamoury and the theory needed to do it right becoming mainstream:
Will there be a polylib to chapo pipeline?
Or will all the libs learning power dinamycs become even more horrible in their educated-libness?
The real question is will there be enough sectarian poly infighting that someone gets an ice pick in the back of the head?
Now you have me thinking of rejoining the Leather lifestyle.
That part of the kink community that likes to dress up like Marlon Brando and play biker gang on the second Saturday of each month
I was just about to ask for a material treatment of the monogamy taboo. Based and perfectly timed
Iirc she was the only one of Stalin’s central committee that wasn’t either assassinated by Stalin or Stalin himself
huh. polyamory is the nash optimal strategy in among us
really makes you think
Well I can only speak from experience. It is a preference but it's a preference in the same vein as the physical itching need for some people to climb mountains, or jump from airplanes or a general need for an adrenaline rush while others are naturally phlegmatic and cannot stand loud noises, for example. It does have to do with the chemical balance in your specific body and the wiring of your specific brain. Now this can be fostered or kept in check somehow but the predisposition is real (whether genetic or due to exposure in early childhood is difficult to say). Which is why even if we get rid of the nuclear family as an ideological standard you will still see many, maybe even overwhelmingly most, people practice exclusive monogamy.
Ok, no one used the phrase "degenerate deviation", so I don't know who you're quoting, or even standard sexuality here. And I'm not at all delegitimizing poly relationships. But comparing it to being a victim of childhood trauma or having a mental disability seems fucking whack to me, quite frankly. It's a decision people make about what type of relationship they're in, and that's fine, but it's not fundamentally different from choosing to be single, monogamous, or any other approach to the rules one establishes for themselves around sex or relationships.
I used the example of childhood trauma and ADHD because while very real and often debilitating those two can be managed/mitigated to an extent with medication, therapy, training and change of environment. Not so for say blindness, which absent of some huge medical breakthrough you cannot just make functionally go away. So yeah a poly person can very well stick themselves into a monogamous relationship and feel sorta kinda content at least some of the time, given enough motivation but the yearning and the feeling of being caged will still be there. So I'm not saying there's some huge oppression of poly people going on here but let's also not just trivialise it as "just a decision".
But does being poly require medication, therapy, or training?
Again, none of this is coming from a place of being against poly relationships. My current relationship isn't poly in practice but we've agreed on acceptable conditions for how that would work. They just haven't come up yet.
We seem to be talking past each other. I'm not saying it is **exactly ** the same, but in absence of a better facsimile (maybe you can find a better one?) I compared it to intrinsic characteristics that are not necessarily life threatening or even necessarily noticed by other people. Maybe comparing it to a character trait would be better. Character traits are real, they exist, they are not simple decisions. They are tightly linked to your experience of self. Can you work on altering them? Of course you can. But the manifestations of said character traits are as real and valid and to the person in question as important and necessary as anything else. They are not just a set of clothes you can put on or take off at will. Take a musical prodigy - they feel it in their bones, it is something they must do. Now will they perish if they don't? Of course not, you can stick them into working construction for the rest of their days and they will still be ok, still find some joy in life but that nagging feeling of something missing, of being held back will be there. Same goes for your typical "adrenaline junkie". The predisposition is valid and structurally real, arising from the make-up of the individual brain. It is also not set in stone, just like a person's character can change over time. This is what makes it seem like just a decision even when it goes way deeper than a fleeting preference or a practical arrangement. I hope I've clarified my position now. And again obviously denigrating people for being poly while annoying is nowhere near to slavery, racism, sexism, ostracizing based on clinical disability, etc.
wtf. dude. i have childhood trauma. terrible analogy. i see poly shit as just wanting a different flavor of cookie every now and again, i doubt theres a genetic component at all.
Personally most poly relationships I see it’s the girl fucking a bunch of guys while the dude who is in over his head and not in her league begrudgingly accepts it
the ones ive seen work best are when two couples decide to fuck each other and move in with each other. they already have a preference towards one partner and keep it largely that way but occasionally do more.
It is relatively new in the mainstream, some queer folks have been doing it for a while
yikes
no, poly isnt lgbtq and these crazy people need to stop acting like it is
It is straight up abuse. To cheat on someone repeatedly and then get them to accept you doing it even tho they didn’t get into the relationship consenting to that. Esp the telling him about it part. That’s just straight up emotional abuse lol
They aren’t challenging shit if she Isint fucking other people as well lmao
Yep.
Although careful now, the guy might try to turn "poly" into fetishizing WLW too with a one penis policy
Hmm, but patriarchal paternalism is a well-known hazard. The hazards of trading places in patriarchy aren't so historically clear.
(edit: I misread. You're right. That is worse.)
My friend is poly, and I’ve made the joke that it’s an attempt to Voltron together a healthy relationship.
"Go on, call me a f**die all you want, I will keep trying new flavors in expensive restaurants and taking pictures of it"
theyre being assholes but there are legitimate problems poly people face, especially when it comes to cohabitation and parenting rights.
The caste system is dying out in India faster than any western racial problems for exactly this reason
"Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution." Clay Shirky
The only poly people I know are a girl that is the embodiment of beige color&vanilla scent but actually is (I'm 98% sure) a dom of her boyfriend who doesn't want to be in a poly relationship but can't break up. Fucked up shit.
Karens are predators. Everything they have can and will be used against their supposed inferiors in any court they have access to.
like the only two people i know that were in polyamorous relationships also did not want to be on it but were too into the other person to break up with them, like i don't mind if the people are on the same vibe and both want it but this seems to happen ocassionally and it is not a good vibe
So I’m in a poly relationship, I’ll be honestly it mostly works cuz none of us live together and we’re all super busy so we hang out separately like once or twice a week. It is really just like having multiple fuck buddies who all kinda know each other. If I ever decided to get serious and cohabitate with any of my current partners we’d probably either go monogamous or have a more structured poly set up.
But yeah it does seem to work best when everyone in the “quael” or whatever is being super laid back about everything.
like this is a good system i can get behind this and also like this problem i am talking about is also a thing in monogamic relationships like abusive people will manipulate and harm people so they can have what they want like it is not a problem with poly stuff it is a problem with abusive behaviour
It was a quadruple hit for me when I discovered in the same day that a) this ultra-sweet girl was actually a dom; b) she was pushing and pushing into poly despite the dude not wanting; c) she did some very stupid moves while pushing it; d) This guy won't leave her despite not liking the situation.
a) this ultra-sweet girl was actually a dom
this is the only thing that i would not be surprised to hear out of these because i have had the mirror of this a assertive and domineering personality but is into sub stuff so i just don't assume anymore everyone is kinky in their own way and that is fine. but by the pushing you mean as they were in a relationship and then she was pushing to open it because that seems awful
No, I mean yes. See: the guy shared a lot of shitpost of unknown irony level about being a sub and other BDSM things where the dude was the sub.
I really like the guy but I could never become IRL friends cuz he lives in another city. And the girl was really cool too, but this situation really doesn't look good for her in my perspective. Again, I don't know all the details.
Cuckoldry is a recapitulation of class exploitation, the perfect neoliberal relationship. By analogy, poly leans more toward anarchism (there's a school of poly called relationship anarchy, as a matter of fact). Not the same thing, at all, and no surprise that names experience a Gresham's dynamic in the face of predators.
1.) this tweet is ridiculous
2.) God damn do y'all have some unfortunate preconceived notions about polyamory. Chill the fuck out, not everyone is monogamous or wants to be. Idk if it's a sexual preference or an orientation or whatever other identity label you want to assign it, but there are people who do not want to be monogamous and thrive in polyamorous relationships. They're not dramatic or abusers or whatever other stereotype, it's not cheating, and I assure you it's extremely boring most of the time.
Yeah the tweet was a joke, but damn this thread feels almost hateful at times. I don't think it's intentional but it's clear lots of people here have never seen an example of a healthy polyamorous relationship irl.
It's a taboo (a non-material private property claim) that some people just didn't pick up.
monogamy is absolutely fine if that's what two partners agree they like best, but monogamy as default is a hegemonic brainworm and therefore non-monogamy is based
I appreciate someone saying this. This thread is making me feel predatory tbh
It'd obviously be cuck, only problem is no one who's poly cares about being called that, it's only the chuds who call you it that think it's some horrifying insult lmao
damn, I'm such a cuck, I'll have to get fucked by both of my boyfriends at once owo
Damn I'm such a slut, I made three seperate valentines day presents
I thought I was comfortable in my sexuality until I decided to gay it up for a night out and promptly got called a removed to my face so now it's back to straight passing for the time being. People are cool aren't they
Funnily enough the closest I get to a slur as someone in a poly relationship is the implication that I'm bullying my wife into letting me cheat on her. It's usually these type of 'woke' people who think they're on a feminist crusade who give us shit
Hey sorry if y'all think I'm shitting on you, I'm not. It's just what this twitter user said is ridiculous.
No I agree these twitter people are ridiculous and should be mocked. All love bb 😘
I agree, that tweet is non-consensually involving me in her sexual power dynamics.
as a non-monogamous degenerate I really can't stand 99% of poly people. like, to the point I don't even like using the "poly" label. it just has so much baggage thanks to fuckwits like these.
but there isn't anything inherently wrong with poly? Rick and Morty is bad.
the "Pan" poly scene is dominated by cishet men and cis women who can either be het or biflexible. Other people are either on the margins or not there at all
And let's not even get into the racial component. At least they aren't the white swinging scene? I guess?
I've honestly never met a sleazier group of people than old white swingers. The young crowd is a bit better in my limited experience but still a lot of chuds. The big meetups cost a lot of money which probably has something to do with it.
Also your point on pan poly scene is so spot on and as an acktchual bi/pan chick I hate it. Unicorn hunters are a fuck.
Old white swingers, yep. Apparently there is a military angle to white swinger culture too, if youre near a base
Have you ever been dating a woman and had a random gentleman proposition you join a polyfidelious triad with him? Or just a threesome?
Men ruin everything ugh
Honestly most poly people ive met are buttholes to their significant others. Like one of them is obviously monogamous and uncomfy with it but the poly one is so out of their league that they just tolerate it. It’s pretty cringe ngl and I’ve met literally 30 or more people in relationships considering I’ve spent too much time in the rave scene. I’ve seen 1 actual poly relationship where both of them are super into it.
that's just called cheating, and people doing it are shitters who don't count.
I'm not actually oppressed but if I were it would be pretty bad. I'm shocked and angry now.
